To north Indians he possesses the physical beauty of Bappi Lahiri and the raw sexuality of Yash Chopra who recently turned one hundred and forty six. To south Indians, his acrobatics are nothing short of those that a diarrhoeic Rajnikant might exhibit at the privacy of his bathroom. To rich people, he’s the guilty pleasure they wank off to while they’re counting cash. And to poor people, well who gives a fuck about them? He’s enigmatic; he’s charismatic; and post coitus he’s a little asthmatic. He’s the one the only Zoozoo.

After an hour or more of telephonic communication with Zoozoo’s agent, Poopoo, which included graphic descriptions of her labia majora, superstar interviewer Mandira Bedi managed to get an exclusive interview with unarguably the most popular hairless object in the world right now after Hannah Montana’s vagina. Read on:

(Mandira wearing a white sari with a noodle strap blouse, her recently shrunken anorexic cleavage well in view)

MB: It’s a pleasure-let me correct that- it’s an honor to meet you and have the opportunity to talk to you at such close quarters. Since no one has ever really heard you speak let me start off by clarifying: dooo youuu speaaak in-uh English-uh?

(Zoozoo sits in his chair smoking a cigarette)

ZZ: Who the fuck do you think I am bitch? Jackie fucking Chan? Of course, I speak English. I’m a fucking celebrity. I need to know how to speak in English. Unless of course I’m Kapil Dev.

MB: Cool, that’s super awesome. I’ve got with me a list of questions that your fans are dying to ask you. Let me start off without wasting any time. I know what a busy schedule you have.

ZZ: Before you ask me a question let me ask you a question. What the fuck happened to you bitch? You were looking fine about a year ago. Now, look at you, thinner than a spider’s dick and just as attractive. I know people who have put holes in their TV screens watching you do your thing but now they wouldn’t even fuck you with their little pinky.

MB: When I visited South Africa a year ago, I saw a lot of these tanned thin people walking around. I got the impression that it was the in thing to be the thin thing in South Africa. That’s why I transformed my look. Only after reaching here this time did I learn that those were impoverished kids minutes away from their deaths.

ZZ (smugly): Sorry I even asked. Listen you penis-puppy, ask what you want to ask and get this over with.

MB: How do you feel when both kids and adults go bonkers for you?

ZZ: I can accept the fact that kids are excited to see me. Kids are stupid. They are easily excited. Show them the lacerated head of Rajiv Gandhi and they’ll love it. But what I don’t understand is how adults, especially grown men, look at me and say things like “he’s so cute” “he’s so adorable” “I love Zoozoo”. What a bunch of fag-bombs!

fuckwhofuckzoo

fuck you all

MB: Fair enough. Now, Zoozoo, how do you respond to the rumors that you are animated?

ZZ (agitated): What? Who are these cunt-cats who’re spreading the rumor that I like doing it with animals? I was merely checking the quality of the wool when I touched that sheep. I did not animate with that sheep. Anyway, if the sheep didn’t object what’s people’s problem. I mean-

MB: Er, I think you misconstrued my question. Animated-as in computer generated.

ZZ (smiling his toothy embarrassed smile): Oh that…No, I’m not computer generated. I’m as real as it can get. I’m more real than Kim Kardashian’s papayas.

MB: One day I sported my apple bottom jeans and my husband said my papayas are way better than Kim Kardashian’s.

ZZ: Your papayas? Bitch, in your current state, you aren’t even qualified to talk about papayas. In fact, if you were a television set, you’d be a flat TV. If you were a dimension you’d be 1D. How can you even compare yourself with Kim Kardashian? She’s the Mother Teresa of tits and ass. And you, on the other hand, you’re just a fucking leper.

MB (coyly): My husband calls me that too.

ZZ: He calls you a fucking leper?

MB: Yeah, but in a loving way.

ZZ (perplexed): Why don’t we refrain ourselves from delving into your personal life? Let’s carry on with the interview.

MB: Sure, that would be super good. I have another question here which asks: “Are there any more new ads coming up?”

ZZ: There are a few more ads in the making yes. There’s one in which two drunk Zoozoos go into a room and start making out. Soon things get hot and heavy. And the next shot shows one Zoozoo running out with his face covered in blood.

MB: What Vodafone offer is it advertising?

ZZ: Menstrual Cycle Alerts.

MB: Wow, we women could really use that. Any other?

ZZ: There’s one where a Zoozoo couple, one wearing a hijab, is walking by and another Zoozoo makes a pass at the hijab-clad Zoozoo. The Zoozoo couple walks into a room and suddenly the hijab-wearing Zoozoo runs out screaming holding her crotch.

MB: And this is for…

ZZ: Genital Mutilation Alerts.

MB: Once again true brilliance. Whoever’s coming up with all this is just a creative genius. Now, one final question, something that’s been flitting around everyone’s mind. What are you, Zoozoo?

ZZ: What do you mean what am I, bitch?

MB: People have been wondering ever since you first showed up what exactly you are. Are you an egg? An evolved Humpty Dumpty? An alien, maybe? What are you?

ZZ: Touch me.

MB: What?

ZZ: Just put a finger on me, you pussy-cake.

(Mandira hesitantly touches Zoozoo)

MB: You feel…so…gooey and sticky…

ZZ: Now, suck your finger.

MB: What?

ZZ: Just suck your finger, you cunt-samosa.

(Mandira obliges)

MB: It tastes like that candy my uncle used to put in my mouth when we used to play ‘blindfold baker’.

ZZ: So, now you know what I am made of?

MB: Dough?

ZZ: I’m created out of cum.

MB: Pardon?

ZZ: Bitch, shut the fuck up. Do I look like the fucking President to give you a fucking pardon?

MB: You are made of cum?

ZZ: That’s right. In fact an exact description would be a ‘cum mutant’. I, and the rest of the Zoozoos, mutated out of all the cum that men waste jerking off. With their cum combined I am Zoozoo.

MB: Well, that marks the end of the interview. Thank you very much for your time, Zoozoo. I have one personal question left though.

ZZ: Go ahead, shoot.

MB: In all those ads your abdominal area seem so uniform…you know…no bulges…no protrusions…almost as if you have no…

ZZ: Don’t beat around the bush. You want to know if I have a cock or not?

MB: Yes.

(Zoozoo gets off his seat, unzips his pants, and whips out a massive dick)

ZZ: Does that answer your question?

MB (stunned): Good heavens. That’s at least an arm bigger than my husband’s. Zoozoo…

ZZ: Go ahead. You know you want to.

MB: I…

ZZ: Just suck it, bitch. You know you’ve been dreaming of blowing Zoozoo since the first time you laid eyes on him.

(Mandira slides off her chair, gets on her knees and begins orally pleasuring Zoozoo. Zoozoo calls out to a director who’s nearby and asks him to shoot the blowjob scene. The director acquiesces)

ZZ (looking down at MB): Say my name, bitch. Say it.

MB: Zoozoo…zoozoo…

The Director: Which feature of Vodafone do we advertise with this ad, Zoozoo?

ZZ: Facial alerts.

*** *** ***

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