Retards, fuckballs, and auto-fellators welcome to the most highly anticipated event of this decade- no this century, fuck it, this millennium- the 2008 Motherfucker Awards where the MFG (Motherfuckers Guild) honor the year’s most noted and celebrated motherfuckers. Now, without further ado, your host for the evening: Dyke Queen Ellen DeGeneres.

(Muff Digger Ellen walks onto the stage wearing a man’s shirt and man’s trousers. She’s also sporting a lobster in her pants just to accentuate the bulge. Her fifty-year old crinkly face glows in the dimly lit hall like ET’s vagina)

Ellen: Hey folks! Did I tell you why I hate the navy?

(The desperate, lonely, brainless women in the audience go nuts and start applauding)

Ellen (smiles annoyingly): Because I’m allergic to semen.

(The audience falls silent)

Ellen: Ladies, do you know what genre of music appeals to me the most?

(The worthless bitches in the audience howl and scream again)

Ellen (smiles annoyingly): I love Cuntry Music! By the way, did I tell you guys that my favorite band is the Dixie Chicks?!

(The audience falls silent again)

Ellen: I was walking my adopted dog the other day when I saw this old lady being mugged…and let’s DANCE!!!

(Some gay pop song starts playing and Ellen dances her awkward irritating self into the crowd. She gets real close to the women in the audience, rubs on their boobs, takes whiffs of their scent, leers at them, and finally returns to the stage)

Ellen: Dang, you girls smell real nice (smiles annoyingly).

Guy in the Audience: For Christ’s sake! Stop trying to be funny you useless cunt! Get on with the fucking show you boring piece of clit!

Ellen: Sir, you are a hater. You persecute me because I’m gay. You have no idea about the hardships I have to endure daily because I’m different.

Guy in the Audience: No you fucking bitch, I hate you because you are annoying and your jokes are as funny as a paraplegic baby. And, fuck your hardships you cunt, you’re fucking Portia De Rossi. I wouldn’t mind getting brain tumor if it meant I could hit that bitch all night till I fucking died. So shut the fuck up and get on with the fucking show before I shove my cock into your throat and choke you to death, you ass-eating dyke-bitch.

Ellen (introspecting): I needed that. Now, fags, ladies and gentlemen to present the first award of the evening let me welcome the President of the United States, Mr. George Bush.
(Bush walks onto the stage escorted by two well-oiled men wearing thongs)

George Bush: Before I proceed with the announcement of the winner I would just like to make a few public service announcements. The global economy is being affected adversely by the greed and selfishness of all the people in India and China. It is because they eat like fat hogs that a food crisis exists in this world today. Some of them should just stop eating so our fat little tubs of shit, our bloated-ass children, can get a fourth helping. I would also like to state that the cause of the cyclones in Myanmar is the staggering number of farts that the Burmese people are producing. The little farts have coalesced into a big wind which subsequently became the cyclone. When you live in a global village you always have to think of other people as well.
Anyhow, let me get down to business. For his role in sheltering his offspring from the predatory males of the world and for showering his child with so much love that it manifested itself into the unification of his spermatozoa with her ovum producing a bunch of zygotes over a period of twenty four years, the MFG is proud to present the 2008 Motherfucker Father of the Year award to the second most famous Austrian in the world after Hitler, narrowly pushing Arnold Schwarzenegger into third place, let’s give it up for, Mr. Josef Frtizl.


Mr. Fritzl could not make it to the show so Mr. Billy Ray Cyrus will be accepting the award on his behalf.

Billy Ray Cyrus: All I want to say is that he truly deserves this award and I hope one day I can at least be half as good a dad as he is to his daughter/grand-daughter/wife/lover.

Ellen: Hey folks, do you know what my favorite holiday spot in the world is?

(The people in the crowd yawn)

Ellen: Va-China. (smiles her irritating smile)

(The guy in the audience motions to his dick and suggests that he’s going to choke Ellen with it. Ellen quickly drops the idea to tell more jokes and moves on to the next award)

To present the next award coming all the way from his own rectum, let’s welcome Abhishek Bachchan.
(Abhishek walks onto the stage escorted by his wifey Aishwarya Rai Bitchan)

Abhishek: Hello people. I was born rich but I pretend to be self-made. I act like shit but pretend to be the best. I beat my wife but pretend like I don’t. I have my head up my ass but pretend it’s just a hemorrhoid. But enough about me and my family, I’m here with my lovely wifey to present the 2008 Most Boring Blogger Motherfucker of the Year award. And the award goes to (reads the toilet paper in his hand) Mr. Amitabh Bachchan, my Pa!! I love you dad! You deserve it.

Even though my dad couldn’t be here because of a last minute business trip he had to take with Uncle Amar Singh he is however going to talk to us live via satellite. Go ahead dad.

Amitabh: Thank you, Abhishek. I dedicate the award to you sonny. You’re the best.

Abhishek: No, pa, you’re the best!

Amitabh: No, sonny, you’re the best!

Abhishek: No, pa, you’re the best!

Guy in the Audience: Why don’t you guys get a room, you rich boring ass-clowns?

Abhishek: That’s a good idea, pa. Let’s get a room, pa.

(Suddenly Amar Singh appears on the screen dressed in just a towel)

Amar Singh: Fuck off, sonny! Your papa’s pee-pee is only for me-me.

(The screen goes off. Aishwarya Rai Bitchan leads a weeping Abhishek off the stage)

Ellen: That shit was crazier than an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful. Anyway, so does anyone know what my two most favorite words in Hindi are?

(Some members of the crowd begin slitting their own wrists)

Ellen: ‘Dil’ ‘do’. Ha! Ha!

Guy in the Audience: Die you cunt-eating bitch!

Ellen: Hey, you’re not my family! Anyhow, to present the final award of the evening let me welcome wholeheartedly, Mr. Ajay Jadeja.

Jadeja: I don’t beat around the bush. I’m as straightforward as they come. So, instead of wasting time I’m getting straight to the next award. (Reads off the teleprompter) This motherfucker sold out his country, his team and the game of cricket by fixing matches. Then, after hiding in a pit of shit for some time, he came back claiming innocence. He then dragged his miserable, bitter ass to Bollywood and tried to act in movies but came out looking worse than Madonna’s rotten old pussy after a gang-bang. He then took his faggot-ass to prancing competitions and embarrassed himself yet again. Finally, he drags his bribe-taking ass over to television, tries to be funny, salivates like a rabid dog after cute television presenters, and cusses players like Sachin Tendulkar and Shane Warne. Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2008 Motherfucker Jerkoff of the Year award goes to Ajay Jadeja…wait a minute…that’s me…what’s going on…

Ellen: Now!

(A group of lesbians appear on the stage from several hideout spots and pin down Jadeja. They tie his hands and legs and let him cringe and groan on the ground)

Jadeja: Who are you people? What do you want?

Ellen: Don’t you understand motherfucker? This whole awards ceremony was just a ploy to capture your bitch-ass. Everyday you come on TV on one channel or the other running your shit-ass mouth fumbling and stumbling like a retarded motherfucker. You sit on your shit-stained, match-fixing ass and pass judgments on other cricketers and their behavior like a fucking prude. TV viewers had enough and that’s why they hired me, the Dyke Queen to get rid of your shameless ass off TV forever. Now hold him up girls.

(The lesbian thugs hold up a scared Jadeja who wets his pants. The dykes get him closer to Ellen. When he’s inches away from Ellen’s crotch Ellen pulls her trousers down.)

Now push that motherfucker inside me, the whole of him. I’m going to swallow this jerkoff once and for all.

Jadeja (screaming like a bitch): Let me go please. I want to go rub against Lekha Washington. Please, Ellen, your cunt smells like sour milk. I want to live. Let me go. I’ll fix India’s next match for you, please.

(Ellen opens her legs wide, exposing her grand canyon like pussy as the lesbian thugs push Jadeja inside deeper and deeper. First his head disappears, then his arms, then his ass. Finally just his feet stick out of Ellen’s vagina and within seconds they too are pushed in. Ellen sticks her hand out and one of the lesbian thugs puke into it. Ellen smears the puke across her pussy and seals it shut. Muffled screams and groans are heard from within Ellen)

Ellen (to the captivated audience before her): You might ask me if what I did was right. You might question if he really deserved a death by pussy. All I have to say to you is one thing: let’s DANCE!!!! (smiles her irritating smile and starts dancing)

                                                               ***

Advertisements