In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And Hooters. Unfortunately, on the second day, one of the Hooters girls caught a nasty pussy rash (God knows from where!) that turned her twat bluer than an Eskimo’s testicles. This upset the Almighty and filled his mind with a dread blacker than Beyonce’s asshole. He realized he had to eradicate the genital warts and all the blackness from the pure white paradise. So God created Africa.
               And the Lord of the Worlds, who after twenty minutes got tired of looking at girls with big tankers, felt like he needed more to satisfy his sybaritic inclinations. So, he the merciful, the compassionate created a few beasts to torture and kill. And God called the cow a mongoose and the rabbit an orangutan. Later, when he checked the encyclopedia he felt a bit daft and corrected himself. And God furiously declared, “Let no man ever actually use an encyclopedia except to act as firmaments hiding snogging lesbians in dusty libraries.”
             And the anachronistic Lord thought unto himself, “Now that I have mentioned the word man I better create a figure out of flesh to go with it.” At first God considered creating Man in his own image and after his likeness but when he really gave it some thought he found it a bit gay. And so, God walked up to a nearby bison, broke off its lengthy genitalia and created Man out of it. And the Lord, yet again speaking to himself loudly, solely for the purpose of narration in case textual records of his actions were ever going to be created in the times to come, bellowed into the atmosphere, “My creation, the Man, will have dominion over everything on earth including fish, fowl, foal, and fungi. Everything except his penis size. That’s pure destiny.” And God assigned the Man with the task of maintaining his gardens, his accounts, and getting a new couch.
             On the fourth day God detected inexplicable movements behind the green bushes he created. On parting the foliage, God discovered his favorite creation, the Man, tapping a chimpanzee’s red ripe ass. Fearing the wrath of the furious Lord, the chimp ran off holding its swollen anus while the Man stood guiltily before his heavenly father with a boner the size of a stillborn baby. And God said, “Man Alive! That’s mental. Even I’m an inch shorter!” And God pulled out a photograph of Michael Jackson and held it before the Man which deflated the Man’s engorgement. With a paternal chide and an attack of pox, God dismissed the Man from his sight warning him to focus on his duties rather than engaging in carnal sins.
            On the fifth day, after a good time at Hooters, the Almighty walked into his backyard to witness a sight that gnawed at his eyes like Paris Hilton on a scrotal sac. The vertically placed Man had before him a doubled over St. Gabriel choking on a ball-gag. Fearing the infernal rage of the compassionate Lord, St. Gabriel ran off, his wings stuck together, holding his swollen halo while the Man stood guiltily before the Supreme Creator with a spiked ring around his tumescence. And God said, in unbridled anger, “I assigned you specific tasks to complete. Why are you acting like a dick?” And the Man, hesitantly, spoke, “You’re the one who created me from a bison penis.” The Lord snarled at his most superior creation, struck him with a temporary attack of plague, and returned to his heavenly den.
                 On the sixth day, God summoned his most intelligent creation, the Man, and announced that he had decided to present him with a mate. Apparently, many beasts, saints, and angels, including St. Peter had lodged a complaint that the Man was forcibly trying to gain access through their “Pearly Gates”. And God produced from a nearby cup a pair of beaver balls which he raised into the air and proclaimed, “These balls are really squishy.” And Lo, there was a hot naked ho with tits that stood up like a pedophile’s knob at a Harry Potter convention. And God said, “Take your mate into your bedroom and bonk her as you please. And by the way that lamp by your bed is just a plain old lamp. It doesn’t have a hidden camera or anything. Now, go, bonk.” And the Man took his mate whom he named Wo-man (Whore of Man) and followed the word of God.
                The weeds in the garden began to grow, and the beasts went hungry as the Man, preoccupied with getting his hole, failed to meet the daily duties the Lord had demanded of him. God, receiving the news of his greatest creation’s negligence, even after providing him with a knockout chick created out of beaver balls, fumed like a Muslim fundamentalist who misheard a Math teacher saying “Profit and Loss” as “Prophet doesn’t floss”. The Almighty admonished the Man and banned him from engaging in any further exercises of his genitals for the day. The Lord reminded the Man that his new couch was coming in today and he required the Man to be highly alert and keep even a speck of dust off the brand new couch.
                 As the seventh day approached its end, the merciful Lordy Lord returned after an agonizing and painstaking passage of time he spent at the Theater in Heaven watching the movie 10,000 B.C. The Almighty trundled into his bedroom in the cool of the night and witnessed a sight more shocking than an x-ray of Jay Leno’s head. There the Man was spreading the sweaty legs of his Whore and thrusting hard like a Celibate Hindu Swami on his deathbed. But what stopped God in his tracks was where the Man was boning the Woman: right on top of God’s brand new couch. The Man pumped away furiously as the Woman’s legs went higher in the air. Suddenly, the angry Lord’s voice rumbled through the room, “You are fucking on my couch even though I commanded you to take utmost care of it. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to sit on that couch?” And then the Man and his whore jumped off the stained couch and cowered in fear. The Man, in a quavering voice, said, “My dick beguiled me.”
                The enraged Almighty gave a scornful look at the Man and said unto him, “For directly disobeying me I curse you with premature ejaculation and early baldness.” The Lord turned to face the Woman and said unto her, “I shall greatly multiply your sorrows and your predicaments. You will not even get a proper desk job until you put a slimy smelly cock in your mouth and suck on it like a hungry vampire bat on Oprah Winfrey’s black tits.” The Man and the Woman glared at God before being officially banished from God’s sight. After he kicked them out, the Lord burned the couch to ashes using an inflammable mixture of goat urine and salamander cum.
                  The next day God woke up to an ever-increasing din outside his palatial palace in Heaven. He walked over to his balcony and saw a large group of assorted media personnel lined outside his residence with huge cameras pointed at him. One of the reporters screamed through all the boisterousness, “What do you have to say against the charges of sexual harassment leveled against you by the Man and the Woman? Did you really harass them? What is your side of the story?” The Almighty shuddered in fear and ran back into his den, confused and conflicted by a flurry of queries. He knew there was only one thing he could do.
                 The Almighty spoke into the phone, “I don’t know what to do. You have to help me out. Those ruthless carnivores are asking for an explanation from my side. What do I do? I can’t just tell them I banished those two horny freaks because they had sex on my couch. I’m the Almighty, for crying out loud.” On the other end of the line was God’s long time best buddy, Satan, an acclaimed writer of such TV shows as “I Love Lucifer”, “Everybody Loves Hot Lava”, and “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” Satan thought for a while and responded with nothing but a soft hum. God, nervous like hell, said, “Satan, are you listening to me? I’m under siege here. What do I tell the damn press?” Satan pondered for a few more minutes before he said, “Well, I’m currently working on something for FOX Network. But I suppose I can let you use it to extricate yourself from this mess.” God, eager for a solution, exclaimed, “That’s great. Let me hear it.” Satan exhaled gently and said, “Ok, there’s this forbidden tree and a talking snake, right…”

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