Admissions Open to The Rape Academy Friday, Apr 25 2008 

                    The Rape Academy of India (RAI), in coalition with its brother branch, the Indian Institute of Molestation (IIM), invites applications for Diploma Courses in Rape and Molestation, Sodomy and Murder, and also a 3 month certificate course in Hypocrisy. Applicants are requested to forcibly collect a pair of white panties from the assaulted body of a strange helpless girl and affix on it, using fresh semen, three attested copies of passport size nude photos of the helpless girl’s pubis and sent it to the address given below:

To,
Mr. Horny Man,
The Rape Academy of India,
Any street,
Any city,
Any where,
All the time- 247365


About The Rape Academy of India

               The Rape Academy of India is an autonomous rape institution recognized by the Government of India. It comprises the Indian Institute of Molestation (IIM) and the Centre for Sodomy (CFS), two institutions highly regarded for their major contributions in the fields of physical harm and sexual violation of women. The Rape Academy of India is a professional rape centre which offers a variety of services in forced sex and assault of women and young girls. It is also the only institution in India that does not follow the regressive idea of affirmative action and gives an equal chance to rapists from all walks of life based purely on the merit of their raping.

Courses

1) Diploma in Rape and Molestation: The R&M Course is a full time, post-graduate diploma programme. It aims at giving young and aspiring rapists a professional outlook on the highly competitive field of harming women. The Rape Academy arms the young dicks with the expertise and skills needed to break into the pussy of unsuspecting bitches and smoothly leave the scene without getting caught. Students will also be educated on the history of rape, some of the great names in the field of rape, and also the latest innovations that has made itself inevitable in the arena of rape. Many renowned politicians, police officers, and various media personnel will visit the Rape Academy from time to time and conduct various rape workshops and educational seminars on pussy-bashing.
Electives: Amputee rape, Relative Rape, Date Rape, Moving Car Rape, Preteen Rape, and Gang Rape.
Eligibility: Anyone with a dick can apply.
Career Opportunities: Unemployed bum, Horny Loner, BPO Cab Driver, Pervert Neighbor, Lecherous Servant, Police Officer, Politician, Bollywood, Tourist Guide, Shack Owner, Teacher, etc.

2) Diploma in Sodomy and Murder: The S&M Course is a specific course meant for students that are strictly into ass ramming. It is designed to give a thorough knowledge in the field of ass raping and the subsequent slaughter of the victim. There is a strong emphasis on student performance evaluation through projects and practical assignments and on research work by the students themselves. The first semester provides a comprehensive perspective of asshole ripping and butt cumming; the second semester is project-based with hands-on production and execution to provide knowledge that is essential in the field of sodomy and murder. Highly esteemed members of several rape organizations like the ‘Blow Job Pirates’ and the ‘Salacious Indians Violating SExy North Americans’ visit the Academy to give lectures and narrate dick raising stories of real sodomy and murder.
Electives: Tourist Sodomy, Roadside Sodomy, Public Sodomy, Workspace Sodomy, Backseat Sodomy, Dead body Sodomy, Bludgeoning, Stabbing, and Drowning to Death after Sodomy.
Eligibility: Anyone with a dick or a sharp object can apply.
Career Opportunities: Member of the Parliament, Government Official, Minister’s Son, Bollywood, Political Kingpins etc.

3) Certificate Course in Hypocrisy: A three month short-term course in saying one thing and doing another. Students will be taught to engage in several hypocritical activities like salivating after and secretly harassing secretaries and interns while publicly denouncing women who dress in anything other than a ten-layered sari and a full-sleeved blouse. Students will also be given training in lying through their teeth and acting like a complete shameless retarded motherfucker. They will also be given training to appear on news channels and compare cheerleaders to bargirls while jacking off on the side leering at the reporter’s cleavage.

Motto of the Rape Academy: An unraped bitch is a terrible thing to waste.

Some Useful links

http://www.ibnlive.com/news/mentally-challenged-girl-raped-culprit-absconding/63236-3.html

http://www.ibnlive.com/news/another-minor-raped-in-delhi-police-tightlipped/63291-3.html

http://www.ibnlive.com/news/constable-friend-held-for-raping-minor-in-delhi/63914-3.html

The Life of Karkodian: A Timeline Saturday, Apr 19 2008 

“Karkodian is you, Karkodian is me
Karkodian is the man we all are, but pretend not to be”

(quote by Nelson Mandela’s bastard white child, Milky Mandela, 1991)

August 27th 1950 –A lady notices a slight irritation between her legs and sees a puny, scarlet, icky figure lying upside down. She, her husband, and strangely, their plumber, decide to wash the scarlet, icky figure and raise it together. After raising it together a few feet above the ground it slips and falls onto the ground with only a little head injury (mainly because it had only a little head). The scarlet, icky thing is named Karkodian.

January 11th 1952-Karkodian (or K) shows early signs of baldness on his tiny injury-sustained head.

April 23rd 1953-K falls into the toilet while attempting to get potty trained.

October 12th 1957-K stops breastfeeding and changes to bottled milk.

January 28th 1958-K goes back to breastfeeding when he finds bottled milk requires constant manual replenishment.

February 10th 1958-K’s mother dies. Doctors diagnose it as a result of total lack of lactose and calcium in her body. K decides to write a poem as a tribute to his mother.

March 5th 1959-K finishes the poem. It goes: “Mama, you’re dead.”

June 19th 1959-K falls into the toilet again while going potty.

December 25th 1959-K celebrates Halloween for the first and last time by dressing up as an overweight Jesus Christ.

May 18th 1961-K’s father and the plumber officially get married. K is the best man and mysteriously finds himself next morning in bed with the minister who did the wedding.

May 19th 1961-K doesn’t return the minister’s calls.

July 27th 1963-K learns to read and write thereby causing a factual error in this piece where it was said earlier that he wrote an elegy for his dead mother when he was 9.

September 13th 1964-K is chucked out of primary school when he misspells the word “Hello” as “P-A-R-A-P-S-Y-C-H-O-L-O-G-I-S-T”.

January 8th 1965-K looks to break into the business of peddling drugs on the street. He’s fired within 10 minutes after he started yelling, “Drugs! Get your hot hallucinatory drugs and cocaine here!”

June 14th 1966-K has his first crush. It’s apple flavored.

July 12th 1966-K joins the “Sodomy Survivors Support Group” and finds out that the head counselor is the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned. K gets the hell out of there.

February 6th 1967-K finishes reading his first ever English book. He can’t stop talking about what a great novel “Mary had a little lamb” is.

April 7th 1968-K joins the army but he quits when he finds out that the drill Sergeant is the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned.

November 14th 1969-K participates actively in the protest and rallies of the Second Wave Feminists against the demeaning attitude of men towards women.

November 15th 1969-K is beaten and thrown out from the group after he looks up the skirt of the President of the Protest group.

March 22nd 1970-K learns how to pee standing up.

August 16th 1970-K lands a job as one of the actors in a pantomime.

August 18th 1970-K is fired from the job for being too taciturn.

October 11th 1970-K watches his first porno flick. He can’t stop talking about how hot “The Powerpuff Girls” are.

February 10th 1971-K writes a second poem in tribute to his mother’s memory. It goes : “Mama, you’re still dead.”

July 14th 1971-K’s father and the plumber die in an unfortunate plumbing accident when his father’s pipe got stuck in the plumber’s basement. K is heartbroken.

July 15th 1971-K gets over the heartbreak after he watches another round of “The Powerpuff Girls”.

August 30th 1973-K gets a job as a ranger in a petting zoo.

September 1st 1973-K quits when he finds out the place wasn’t exactly what he thought the name suggested.

December 17th 1973-K’s excited about shopping for Christmas gifts but drops the idea when he realizes he has no friends or family or money.

March 25th 1974-K moves to Cali hoping to land a spot in some movie and make it big in Hollywood.

April 19th 1974-A director promises K a chance to act alongside Woody Allen.

April 20th 1974-K runs from the sets of the movie screaming when he finds out that Woody Allen is actually the screen name of a gay porn actor and the movie a porno entitled “The Powerbuff Boys”.

February 16th 1975-K loses his virginity.

February 18th 1975-K finds it under his couch.

January 9th 1976-K takes a staunch decision to become a spiritualist. He takes a vow to strive for complete celibacy and holiness.

January 30th 1976-K sacks the whole spiritualist thing when he finds out the word “celibacy” does not have anything to do with “celebrity”.

February 10th 1977-K accidentally knocks down a blind girl, pretends it’s somebody else who knocked her down, helps her to her feet and manages to get his first ever date.

February 11th 1977-K has a not so impressive first date when he takes the blind girl to an art museum.

February 12th 1977-K gets the blind girl a looking glass as a gift to make up for the terrible first date.

February 14th 1977-K gets dumped by the blind girl who’s freaked out after he gifts her a card written in Braille saying “Share a special VD with me.”

July 16th 1980-K wakes up questioning his sexuality and sexual preferences after he finds Clint Eastwood steaming hot.

August 4th 1980-K is still worried about it.

September 11th 1980-Ditto.

October 21st 1980-K stops worrying about it when he understands that every breathing thing in California finds Clint Eastwood steaming hot.

June 13th 1981-K manages to get a job as a cabdriver.

June 14th 1981-K relinquishes the job after he remembers he doesn’t know how to drive.

November 28th 1982-K attains semi-baldness.

September 23rd 1983-K becomes so desperate for money he decides to mug somebody. K has a humiliating experience when the two people whom he mugs turn out to be nothing more than a pair of mannequins.

March 5th 1984-K thinks he’s Hispanic.

March 8th 1984-K realizes he’s neither exotic looking nor can he speak Hispanic.

July 28th 1984-K thinks he’s black.

August 2nd 1984-K realizes he can neither pull off an anorak nor does he have a big dick.

October 17th 1986-K decides to take a sabbatical from his unemployed, misery-stricken life and joins a monastery.

November 19th 1986-K attains completion of the process of balding.

January 1st 1987-K comes out of the monastery a reformed man with newly defined goals and ambitions. He decides his sole ambition in life is to one day be able to pronounce the word ‘tsk’.

April 4th 1987-K believes that he has attained the power to levitate.

June 19th 1987-K becomes conscious of the real meaning of levitation and how it involves raising material objects using mental powers and not lifting stuff using only one hand.

July 27th 1987-K tries to pronounce ‘tsk’ but cannot go beyond ‘t’.

September 5th 1987-K tries to pronounce ‘tsk’ and ends up mispronouncing it as ‘parapsychologist’.

January 1st 1988-K abandons the spiritual way of living after realizing that being a monk is not so different from being a monkey except monkeys get to eat a lot more bananas and do a lot more humping.

May 7th 1989-K has a yearning to become a father.

August 12th 1989-K runs out of adoption agencies to beg for a chance for him to be a father after the last one in the city rejects him for being a total loser.

October 14th 1989-K decides to stop being a total loser and goes around the streets asking women if they want to get impregnated by him.

March 29th 1990-K finally gets somebody who acquiesces to his request of helping him father a child.

March 30th 1990-K runs out of the motel screaming when, on the night of the impending impregnation, he realizes that the willing candidate is the selfsame minister who had married his father and the plumber and whose calls he hadn’t returned. K discards desires of fatherhood.

February 1st 1991-K decides to cease his life of anonymity and force his way into the world of the famous. K makes up his mind to enter the Guinness Book of World Records.

May 3rd 1991-K tries to produce the world’s longest fart but falls a good thirty minutes behind the record.

September 17th 1991-K tries to generate the world’s loudest fart but falls short of the record by a dozen decibels.

April 30th 1992-K competes for the title of the world’s baldest man but is disqualified when the judges adjudicate the single hair behind K’s ear as a head-hair.

January 31st 1993-K builds the world’s largest toilet. K is informed by the Guinness Book authorities that the adjudication will be done in less than three weeks.

February 9th 1993-K dies a tragic death when he falls into the toilet while going potty.

February 19th 1993-K’s body is found floating on the toilet water alongside blackened pieces of K’s own turd when the Guinness Book people pay a visit to his apartment.

February 23rd 1993 (Morning)-K is given a decent funeral by the Guinness Book authorities. K’s toilet, though found to be the biggest in the world, fails to make it into the Guinness Book as the judges have no proof that it was in fact made by K.

February 23rd 1993 (Afternoon)-K’s ghost comes from the other side of the world to haunt the guests at the funeral party but flees with all its ghostly might when he finds out that the funeral is being conducted by the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned.

Paradise Fucked Up Thursday, Apr 10 2008 

             In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And Hooters. Unfortunately, on the second day, one of the Hooters girls caught a nasty pussy rash (God knows from where!) that turned her twat bluer than an Eskimo’s testicles. This upset the Almighty and filled his mind with a dread blacker than Beyonce’s asshole. He realized he had to eradicate the genital warts and all the blackness from the pure white paradise. So God created Africa.
               And the Lord of the Worlds, who after twenty minutes got tired of looking at girls with big tankers, felt like he needed more to satisfy his sybaritic inclinations. So, he the merciful, the compassionate created a few beasts to torture and kill. And God called the cow a mongoose and the rabbit an orangutan. Later, when he checked the encyclopedia he felt a bit daft and corrected himself. And God furiously declared, “Let no man ever actually use an encyclopedia except to act as firmaments hiding snogging lesbians in dusty libraries.”
             And the anachronistic Lord thought unto himself, “Now that I have mentioned the word man I better create a figure out of flesh to go with it.” At first God considered creating Man in his own image and after his likeness but when he really gave it some thought he found it a bit gay. And so, God walked up to a nearby bison, broke off its lengthy genitalia and created Man out of it. And the Lord, yet again speaking to himself loudly, solely for the purpose of narration in case textual records of his actions were ever going to be created in the times to come, bellowed into the atmosphere, “My creation, the Man, will have dominion over everything on earth including fish, fowl, foal, and fungi. Everything except his penis size. That’s pure destiny.” And God assigned the Man with the task of maintaining his gardens, his accounts, and getting a new couch.
             On the fourth day God detected inexplicable movements behind the green bushes he created. On parting the foliage, God discovered his favorite creation, the Man, tapping a chimpanzee’s red ripe ass. Fearing the wrath of the furious Lord, the chimp ran off holding its swollen anus while the Man stood guiltily before his heavenly father with a boner the size of a stillborn baby. And God said, “Man Alive! That’s mental. Even I’m an inch shorter!” And God pulled out a photograph of Michael Jackson and held it before the Man which deflated the Man’s engorgement. With a paternal chide and an attack of pox, God dismissed the Man from his sight warning him to focus on his duties rather than engaging in carnal sins.
            On the fifth day, after a good time at Hooters, the Almighty walked into his backyard to witness a sight that gnawed at his eyes like Paris Hilton on a scrotal sac. The vertically placed Man had before him a doubled over St. Gabriel choking on a ball-gag. Fearing the infernal rage of the compassionate Lord, St. Gabriel ran off, his wings stuck together, holding his swollen halo while the Man stood guiltily before the Supreme Creator with a spiked ring around his tumescence. And God said, in unbridled anger, “I assigned you specific tasks to complete. Why are you acting like a dick?” And the Man, hesitantly, spoke, “You’re the one who created me from a bison penis.” The Lord snarled at his most superior creation, struck him with a temporary attack of plague, and returned to his heavenly den.
                 On the sixth day, God summoned his most intelligent creation, the Man, and announced that he had decided to present him with a mate. Apparently, many beasts, saints, and angels, including St. Peter had lodged a complaint that the Man was forcibly trying to gain access through their “Pearly Gates”. And God produced from a nearby cup a pair of beaver balls which he raised into the air and proclaimed, “These balls are really squishy.” And Lo, there was a hot naked ho with tits that stood up like a pedophile’s knob at a Harry Potter convention. And God said, “Take your mate into your bedroom and bonk her as you please. And by the way that lamp by your bed is just a plain old lamp. It doesn’t have a hidden camera or anything. Now, go, bonk.” And the Man took his mate whom he named Wo-man (Whore of Man) and followed the word of God.
                The weeds in the garden began to grow, and the beasts went hungry as the Man, preoccupied with getting his hole, failed to meet the daily duties the Lord had demanded of him. God, receiving the news of his greatest creation’s negligence, even after providing him with a knockout chick created out of beaver balls, fumed like a Muslim fundamentalist who misheard a Math teacher saying “Profit and Loss” as “Prophet doesn’t floss”. The Almighty admonished the Man and banned him from engaging in any further exercises of his genitals for the day. The Lord reminded the Man that his new couch was coming in today and he required the Man to be highly alert and keep even a speck of dust off the brand new couch.
                 As the seventh day approached its end, the merciful Lordy Lord returned after an agonizing and painstaking passage of time he spent at the Theater in Heaven watching the movie 10,000 B.C. The Almighty trundled into his bedroom in the cool of the night and witnessed a sight more shocking than an x-ray of Jay Leno’s head. There the Man was spreading the sweaty legs of his Whore and thrusting hard like a Celibate Hindu Swami on his deathbed. But what stopped God in his tracks was where the Man was boning the Woman: right on top of God’s brand new couch. The Man pumped away furiously as the Woman’s legs went higher in the air. Suddenly, the angry Lord’s voice rumbled through the room, “You are fucking on my couch even though I commanded you to take utmost care of it. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to sit on that couch?” And then the Man and his whore jumped off the stained couch and cowered in fear. The Man, in a quavering voice, said, “My dick beguiled me.”
                The enraged Almighty gave a scornful look at the Man and said unto him, “For directly disobeying me I curse you with premature ejaculation and early baldness.” The Lord turned to face the Woman and said unto her, “I shall greatly multiply your sorrows and your predicaments. You will not even get a proper desk job until you put a slimy smelly cock in your mouth and suck on it like a hungry vampire bat on Oprah Winfrey’s black tits.” The Man and the Woman glared at God before being officially banished from God’s sight. After he kicked them out, the Lord burned the couch to ashes using an inflammable mixture of goat urine and salamander cum.
                  The next day God woke up to an ever-increasing din outside his palatial palace in Heaven. He walked over to his balcony and saw a large group of assorted media personnel lined outside his residence with huge cameras pointed at him. One of the reporters screamed through all the boisterousness, “What do you have to say against the charges of sexual harassment leveled against you by the Man and the Woman? Did you really harass them? What is your side of the story?” The Almighty shuddered in fear and ran back into his den, confused and conflicted by a flurry of queries. He knew there was only one thing he could do.
                 The Almighty spoke into the phone, “I don’t know what to do. You have to help me out. Those ruthless carnivores are asking for an explanation from my side. What do I do? I can’t just tell them I banished those two horny freaks because they had sex on my couch. I’m the Almighty, for crying out loud.” On the other end of the line was God’s long time best buddy, Satan, an acclaimed writer of such TV shows as “I Love Lucifer”, “Everybody Loves Hot Lava”, and “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” Satan thought for a while and responded with nothing but a soft hum. God, nervous like hell, said, “Satan, are you listening to me? I’m under siege here. What do I tell the damn press?” Satan pondered for a few more minutes before he said, “Well, I’m currently working on something for FOX Network. But I suppose I can let you use it to extricate yourself from this mess.” God, eager for a solution, exclaimed, “That’s great. Let me hear it.” Satan exhaled gently and said, “Ok, there’s this forbidden tree and a talking snake, right…”