When I first started getting memory loss and mixing up things I feared if I had vascular dementia. I couldn’t tell the difference between news channels and sewage tanks; I suffered from the inability to discriminate between film actresses with loud mouths and prostitutes with gaping assholes; I was unable to distinguish between Rakhi Sawant and a used condom; I lost the capacity to tell apart a politician from a bag of feces mixed with toxic venom; I found no contrast between democracy and fascism; I failed to differentiate between a man on the street and a rapist on the prowl; I lost the faculty to identify a stupid dumb bitch and a girl who uploads her photos on social networking sites; I didn’t have the power to list any dissimilarities when I juxtaposed doctors with ruthless cunts who would do anything for money; I had trouble discerning businessmen from ruthless pricks who would do anything for money; I tried my best to separate religion from science fiction but I failed pathetically; I saw film critic Anupama Chopra and a chortling baboon and couldn’t tell them apart; I struggled to get a clue about how teachers were different from diarrheic donkeys with their heads shoved up their rectums; I could no longer discern an activist from an attention whore; I failed to see any difference between the Government and an acute case of fistula; I made an unsuccessful attempt to distinguish between tomorrow and an imminent apocalypse. And then, suddenly, I realized I wasn’t suffering from vascular dementia; I was just experiencing the side effects of being a citizen in modern day India.
                 Sometimes, when you’re under the constant watch of the public it’s easy to be misinterpreted and portrayed in the wrong light regardless of your intention; I know that because I had my share of negative publicity during my time as a South Indian pornstar (I went by the name Mountmaster Mohanlal). Good people can be represented as bad, bad as good, tall as short, fat as moderately overweight, Shekhar Suman as talented, MTV Roadies as cool, and call centre zombies or pampered sons of rich business freaks as the prototypical Indian youth. Raj Thackeray is being portrayed as a manipulative fascist; Amitabh Bachchan is accused of being more close to Amar Singh than one married man should be to another; and Rajnikanth, winner of the HENDTV-Indian of the Year (or was it CNN-IBUM? Whichever it was, he got it during an exclusive and grandiose ceremony where only whoever showed up with a bag of money got a useless award) is being unjustly accused by his detractors as being unrealistic in his acting roles. 
                And the “news” channel Headlines Today (HT), promoters of healthy discussion that they are, decided to hold a debate between the three main men currently courting controversy, the topic of the discussion, of course, whether each individual should stick to the state they are born in. Headlines Today also brought in a special guest, whom they locked inside an opaque box which would be opened only at the end of the debate.

RT: If this very blog on which this idiotic post appears is not translated into Marathi I will have my workers burn wordpress down.
AB: Can we just get this over with? I’ve to go found a brothel in the name of my hot daughter in law.
HT: Where’s Rajnikanth? We can’t really start this debate without all participants present. He has to argue that whatever he does is real and believable…
(Suddenly fourteen choppers appear and line up overhead the Headlines Today studio where the debate is taking place. Rajnikanth pops out of the last one and swings from one chopper to the other like Tarzan and on reaching right above his seat in the studio lets go. He glides through the air and lands on his seat perfectly)
RK: Sorry I’m a little late. I was attacked by a T-Rex on my way to the studio and I had to kill him with my belt buckle.
RT: Do you understand now why I say Maharashtra is for Maharashtrians only? Do you want something like this infecting the good people of Maharashtra?
RK: You’re probably right. The so called good Maharashtrians are fit to watch shameless sluts like Mallika Sherawat shaking her tits for money.
RT: At least, it’s real.
RK: Not really. Trust me, I know.
AB: Perhaps, I need to remind everyone who was voted as the superstar of the millennium. In case, you feel a little thick, let me reiterate that that honor makes me much bigger than you, you, or Maharashtra.
HT: Sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Bachchan but we have an exclusive Headlines Today breaking news to report. “Kareena Kapoor who was attending a major Bollywood function today evening was found to have calluses on her right hand. Reports suggest that she received it from giving Saif Ali Khan a rough handjob.” Back to the debate now.
RT: Did you become the superstar of the millennium acting in Konkani films? No, Maharashtra gave you your status, Maharashtra gave you your wealth, and Maharashtra gave you your life.
AB: But UP gave me my Amar Singh.
RK: The Thackeray boy has a point there. Can you imagine me endorsing some place like, say, Madras after everything that Tamil Nadu has given me?
HT: But Madras is in Tamil Nadu.
RK: Get your facts straight, news boy. Madras is in Brazil.
AB: You ignoramus, that’s Mardi Gras. It’s a festival like day. Amar and I go to Brazil dressed in platinum thongs every year to celebrate it.
RK: Where the hell is your wife anyway? How come she’s never seen with you?
AB: She’s always there with me. You just can’t see her because she’s only as tall as my thigh bone.
RT: You immoral greedy South Indians and North Indians come to our serene Maharashtra and contaminate the sanctity of the place. You exploit my state and then you have the gall to steal our jobs and not speak in Marathi.
RK: I speak great Marathi, for your information. The young chicks of today dig Tamil more, that’s all.
HT: Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but we have a cracking Headlines Today exclusive news item to report. “Our Headlines Today camera caught a glimpse of bad boy Salman Khan in one of his usual deer-kebab restaurants. Images showed a red circular mark around Salman’s waist which has sparked off a huge controversy. Is he wearing tighter underwear? Or does he try on Katrina’s panties when she isn’t looking? Keep watching Headlines Today for updates.” Back to the debate.
RT: What was so inappropriate in what I said anyway? I pointed out the ingratitude of India’s supposed superstar to Maharashtra which is fully true in every which way possible. Last time I checked India is a free country. Every citizen has the freedom of speech, especially if he’s a Thackeray. My words will not be curbed.
HT: Do you then own up to the riots that broke out in the wake of your contentious statement?
RT: That’s not my fault. I can’t be held responsible if some loons misread me exercising my freedom of speech. By that logic, would you arrest Mickey Mouse if a thief told you he stole cheese because he was inspired by him?
AB: I’m a much bigger star than Mickey Mouse. And my daughter in law nibbles a lot better than him as well.
RT: Haven’t you nibbled away enough of my Maharashtra? Leave my homeland and go shack up with your fat slimy buddy. Maharashtra is for Maharashtrians.
RK: Anyone want to see me flip 35 cigarettes into the air and light them with my fart?
HT: Once again, I have to butt in as we’re bringing you a super exclusive Headlines Today breaking cracking smashing news item. “Shahid Kapoor is a lonely boy on this Valentine’s Day. Shahid was spotted moping at his best friend Amrita Rao’s flat yesterday night by our intrepid reporter who was hiding in the bushes. Headlines Today asks its viewers to SMS in what you think Shahid should do on Valentine’s. SMS A for MASTURBATE, SMS B for WATCH PORNO, SMS C for MASTURBATE WATCHING PORNO.” Back to the debate.
AB (to RT): Just like you have your freedom of speech, I have mine as well. And if I want to endorse UP, I will. If I want to endorse a unicorn I will do that as well.
RT: Well, perhaps you should. It has a better chance of winning something than your Amar Singh.
AB (profoundly): He’s more like a unicorn than any of you will ever know.
RK: Do you know what the problem with the two of you is? You’re hungry for more power. Be satisfied with what God has given you. Money and power aren’t important in a man’s life, integrity, honesty, and love is.
AB: How much do you charge for a movie?
RK: About 250 million rupees. And I’ll fucking kill anyone who stands in my way of earning that.
AB: So much for integrity and love.
RT: Everywhere you look around in my Mumbai there’s either some North Indian or South Indian dickhead not knowing Marathi driving a taxi and stealing a job. Mumbai is not open to the world; it’s my home and I will not let anyone assfuck my Mumbai.
HT: I have to stop you right there, Mr. Thackeray, for we have a super duper exclusive mega cracking back breaking ground shattering Headlines Today news report from one of our reporters. “Pathetic actor turned mediocre MP Govinda accidentally consumed some stale bhelpuri and as a result shat in his pants. Headlines Today has exclusive sample of the shit that dripped out of Govinda’s pants. We will be bringing you a close up of the crap very soon.” Back to the debate.
RT: There’s nothing more to debate. I’m done. I will not stop until I’ve vanquished each and every non-Maharashtrian from my homeland. And no one can stop me.
RK: Step into my world if you really want to know how powerful Tamil Nadu is. Mumbai will shiver in the sheer energy of Tamil Nadu. Just like North Indians and Maharashtrians shiver in the brilliance of South Indians.
AB: I shiver only for UP and my Amar Singh.
RT: Each land for its own people! Jai Hind! Jai Maharashtra!
HT: Don’t be so sure, dear panel members. I believe we can change your outlooks. There’s one final phase to the debate. Let us now introduce the surprise special guest who has been close to getting asphyxiated in our big black box, the back from the dead Ms. Helen Keller. Hold the applause because she’s deaf as fuck and it doesn’t matter to her.
RK: If only she had been half a dozen years younger, I could have made her my heroine. I’ve never acted with a handicapped chick.
AB (to HT in a sad tone): She’s the special guest? I thought it would have been…Amar…
HT: Look at her; she’s deaf, she’s blind, she’s unattractive. That makes her ultra special, in the Special Olympics kind of way.
AB: She’s not that eloquent either.
HT: Well, actually, that would make this whole lengthy tirade kind of meet a premature end. So, for the interest of finishing this bizarre blog post we will have to give her the gift of perfect eloquent speech.
RT: Well, as long as she speaks in Marathi, I don’t mind.
(Helen Keller warily moves forward and addresses the debaters present. Sadly, she’s facing the wrong way)
HK: Let me tell you about my story. I was born blind, deaf, and mute. Still I grew up, wrote books, and…
AB: Save the story bitch. I trained you in Black, remember?
HK (turns around on hearing the voice, which makes her occasionally deaf, apparently): Ok, fine. What I’m trying to tell you is that it is ridiculous and inhuman to discriminate each other on the basis of geographical locations. Skin color, religious beliefs, and sexual preferences, maybe. But regions? That’s crazy! You’re all from the same nation. Why are you cutting down that big nation into smaller pieces? Don’t you understand that if, God forbid, terrorists attack South India, North Indians and Maharashtrians will be affected as well? And vice versa. Do you want a repeat of Pakistan? And if the states in India are so obstinate about your fellow countrymen from other states subscribing to your local language and ideology how can you blame the Americans, the Singaporeans, the Malaysians, the Kenyans, and the British who shoot up Indians because they feel they are a threat to their culture; Indians go abroad and build temples, build mosques, community centers, Indian clubs, all kinds of things. And not just Indians from one state: Maharashtrians, South Indians, North Indians, everyone. So, understand that fraternity begins at home. Treat your fellowmen right and the world will treat you right. Now, I will demonstrate via a strong example why geographical discriminations are stupid and unreal.
(Helen Keller approaches the debate table. She touches each panel member using her hand for about a minute or two and then goes back to her previous position)
Do you see what I did now? I touched the faces of all three of you. And I cannot tell which one of you came from South India, North India, or Maharashtra. To me, you all felt the same. Well, one of you needs a shave but I could not tell anything about where you are from. So you see, my fellow humans, it’s pointless to have this entire debate on whether Mumbai is for Maharashtrians only, and whether South is for South Indians only. India is one big painting. Don’t cut it up and destroy its singular beauty.
(Raj Thackeray, Amitabh Bachchan, and Rajnikanth look at each other guiltily. They appear as though they have understood the folly of their ways and the insignificance of their argument. Suddenly, their eyes uniformly fall on Helen Keller’s cleavage. Each one looks at the other and nods)
AB: Well, Helen, we appreciate your help and we do want to believe you.
RT: Although, if we receive a bit more convincing we might just become model citizens.
RK: I’ll second that.
AB: We will all hump you one after the other. You try and tell which dick is from UP, which one is from Mumbai, and which one from the South. If you feel absolutely no difference then we’ll believe you, Helen.
(Helen Keller is petrified. She takes a few steps back. Amitabh and Raj surround her. Suddenly, Rajnikanth inserts his hand into his pants and pulls out a big dick. He detaches it from his body and throws it at Helen Keller. The dick flies through the air and chases Helen Keller around the studio in order to hump her. It’s only a matter of time before she is felled by the dick. After screwing her it returns to Rajnikanth’s hand. He blows at the smoke coming out of the dick hole and puts it back in his pants. Amitabh and Raj get to work)
RK: Nothing like molesting a woman to get the men of India to forget regional differences and stick together.
HT: Sorry to interrupt you, sir. Headlines Today Breaking News time! “In what appears to be the newest controversy hitting the country, the Headlines Today investigative journalists have uncovered what experts call the Helen Keller gangbang sex tape which shows the disabled bitch getting it on with two men and one detached penis like there’s no tomorrow. Keep watching Headlines Today for exclusive footage.”

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