From the guy who designs chains out of used dental floss to the girl who’s allergic to cancer, from the optimistic crippled guy who’s hell bent on becoming a tap dancer to the girl who can accommodate an entire village inside her vagina, from the guy who claims he caught AIDS from a grandfather clock (although he may have meant grandfather cock) to the girl who takes naps with sexually stimulated sheep, from the guy who wants to masturbate alongside Osama Bin Laden to the girl who wants to get fingered by Hrithik Roshan’s double thumb, I know a lot of interesting people. Plus I know this completely bizarre guy- and I mean an absolutely mental motherfucker- who thinks Abishek Bachchan has talent. Although, the most complex cunt of them all, I’d have to say, is this guy who calls himself an assassination critic (Or an ass-crit). He critiques assassinations for a living. Now I don’t know who the fuck pays him to do that stuff but that’s what he does. About a thousand minutes back I sat down and had a talk with him, opened up a decent discussion. On the five sweetest assassinations since time immemorial. As always I like to document the stuff that I do. Even if it’s just taking a crap, I document that shit (10:00 pm- I clench my ass. 10:02 pm- a sizeable piece of turd dives into the bowl. Smells like beef, sounds like a Republic Day parade).
                Therefore, in the interest of the public, I’m releasing the documentation of the spiel that my ass-crit friend launched into about the five sweetest assassinations that has ever taken place.

# 5: John Lennon (2 stars)

If there’s an assassination that you can broach holding your girlfriend’s hand it’s that of John Lennon’s. Romance, suspense, intrigue, and a subtle vein of humor that consistently amuses the audience from the start to the finish all come together in this formulaic yet well-shot assassination. Starring the rock legend John Lennon cast opposite a practically unknown yet undeniably talented negative hero, Mark David Chapman, the assassination flows with the heartwarming ease of a Beatles song. Enough action to keep the male audiences happy fused with a romantic angle, provided by Yoko Ono, to satisfy the female audiences the John Lennon assassination satiates everyone unanimously.

# 4: Rajiv Gandhi (2 stars + 1 grenade)

Few assassinations dare to break the mould and offer something different. Even fewer assassinations are capable of starting a trend that would branch out into something truly groundbreaking. This is where the Rajiv Gandhi assassination proves to be a cut above the rest. Armed with a tightly woven plot and backed up by a stalwart production banner, the Tamil Tigers, the assassination keeps you on the edge of your seat right from the beginning. The director of the assassination boldly breaks the tradition of casting a macho assassin and goes with an ugly female assassin, a move that pays off immensely. The high profile target, the unobtrusive assassin, the bomb hidden in the basket of flowers, and the deadly deafening explosion are just few of the highlights of the Rajiv Gandhi assassination. All in all, it’s a thorough entertainer.

# 3: John F. Kennedy (3 stars + 3 bullets)

Considered by many as the sweetest assassination to have ever taken place the JFK assassination is truly ahead of its time. With a stellar cast and a riveting storyline, the JFK assassination is laden with twists, turns, dark humor and mystery. The assassination proceeds flawlessly with the most talked about President of the USA gunned down in the middle of the road with hundreds of people watching. The alleged assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, in true Hollywood style, and arguably in the best role of his career, maintains complete innocence, which is when the story accelerates into fourth gear. Right from the FBI, CIA, NYPD, UNICEF, and the Teletubbies, everyone’s a suspect. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that the JFK assassination is one of the greatest stylistic and cerebral achievements of the USA.

# 2 Mahatma Gandhi (4 stars + 3 bullets + 1 walking stick)

Ever so rarely comes the kind of assassination that everyone deems as an instant classic. And the Mahatma Gandhi assassination is one of those instant classics, and for good reason too. With one of 20th century’s greatest underdog stories as background, the Gandhi assassination unfolds like a magical tale of ambition, struggle, victory, deceit, and tragedy. Strong on possibly every aspect the Gandhi assassination succeeds in entertaining everyone from kids to adults to red-assed baboons. Nathuram Godse delivers his strongest performance as the ruthless assassin while Gandhi, as always, captivates the entire audience with his pure charisma and crowd appeal. Despite not offering anything out of the ordinary the assassination works perfectly owing to the cast, the story, and undeniable universality of the theme. It is one of those assassinations that gets fresher each time you mention it.

# 1 Jesus Christ (5 stars + 1 Mean Cross + 3 Dreidels)

The assassination of Christ is undoubtedly the most widely received and critically acclaimed assassination of all time. The assassination, which took place almost two thousand years back, still remains one of the most stylish, most efficiently achieved assassinations to date. The sheer budget of the assassination, what with the huge cross, all the nails, the thousands watching, the hundreds taunting, and an ocean of other extras, is purely staggering. It is a visually stunning creative masterpiece that transcends the boundaries of time and remains as one of the sweetest assassinations ever known to humanity. It is one thing assassinating a President or a Prime Minister but the assassination of the Savior of all mankind is clearly on another level all together. The very fact that the assassination has sprouted off several cults and sects and shows the lasting impact that this truly phenomenal magnum opus has on audiences all across the world. And frankly speaking, there were no other targets during that time or even now who could have fit the bill as perfectly as Jesus in a truly mesmerizing assassination.

               While my ass-crit friend had complied an impressive, hard-to-contest list of the sweetest assassinations of all time I was surprised to see certain assassinations left out, certain glaring omissions. He clarified that Abraham Lincoln failed to make the list because he was just too damn ugly. I asked him about the assassinations of great black leaders like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. and inquired why they hadn’t made it into the list. To which the ass-crit replied: “Black guys are always getting shot and killed. That’s no news.” And when I asked him about the assassination of the first Indian Woman Prime Minister Indira Gandhi and the barely-a-week-old assassination of Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto he had this to say: “Fuck! How hard is it to kill a couple of birds? Even O.J Simpson can do that shit