In an age where the moral fabric of America directly influences that of the other top countries of the world, it’s tough for American men and women, especially the ones known globally, to live a free, uninhibited, unbiased, morally upright life. The pressure to not drink and drive, not racially abuse blacks, nerdy whites, and foreigners, not have more than two of your sex tapes leaked on to the Internet, not release “fuck Islam” videos on youtube every three hours, not overdose on heroin, not have shootouts in the middle of the streets, and not encourage Adam Sandler to keep making movies amongst several other austere demands take severe toll on the impressionable, vulnerable minds of goodhearted Americans. Especially on the young kids who might grow up to be tomorrow’s Bill O Reilly or Michael Savage or even Dick Cheney.

            And that’s why, I, Lynne Spears, a mother of two girls, have decided to pen this book on parenting which includes all that I know about raising good, morally sound, responsible, socially committed children who would in time transform into rich, famous adults who would then in turn make their parents rich, famous, and really full of themselves as well. In this first chapter, I would like to enlist a few of the dos and don’ts of parenting kids at different phases of their lives. Once that scarlet little blob squeezes its way out of your hairy plug point, the first thoughts that cross your mind shouldn’t be about whether that little ham is alive or not, boy or girl, retarded or mentally challenged. It should be to get your worst half- the same guy who spooged inside you while picturing your younger more attractive sister bent over- to go out to the nearest bookstore and grab (not take, not pick, not choose but grab) a copy of my book on parenting which is entitled “Parent second, Pimp First”.

First 12 months

Don’ts

  • Absolutely no alcohol for the baby in the first one-year of its birth. Beer, although, can be, in fact it should be administered to the little hungry toddler in buckets whenever it reaches for your reddish nipples fresh from the weekly boob job
  • No staying out after midnight. I’m talking about the kid, of course
  • Never leave the baby alone with coins or credit cards or currency notes that might cause respiratory blockage if swallowed. There’s a good chance they might steal it.
  • Never leave the baby alone in a room with sharp pointed objects. The baby might get hold of it and stick you up to get to your money.
  • No drugs

Dos

  • Have strange men come over to shovel your butt dirt as soon as your husband leaves home. Or falls asleep. That way the presence of a father is never absent from the little munchkin’s life.

Age 1-5

Don’ts

  • Do not give the kid beer anymore. Upgrade the kid’s beverages to vodka, gin, rum, whisky, piss, loose shit, menstrual blood, melted ass, a cup of cum and just about anything that you drink yourself
  • Do not hesitate to have the “talk” with your child. Remind your children that having a kid when you’re a kid means extra poop around the house. If it’s a boy always advise him to insert his cock and shake it around in the ass of a girl so that he won’t knock her up. Plus she won’t shit for a while too. If it’s a girl encourage her to offer her tiny pair of buttocks to her college going broke-ass boyfriend. As a parent, you should let your child, who’s between one to five years old, know that the cunt is out of the question
  • Do not let your kid make friends. Cut your child completely off from their social lives and send them off to movie auditions, reality television auditions, be Internet models. It is important to make them understand that they cannot just mooch around, they need to become earning members of the family. And if things go well, the only earning members of the family
  • Never ever let your kid know who their real father is. Each week throw a different name at them. Keep them guessing. It helps activate their brain cells like hell during Christmas. Plus they develop a crappy self-image, which translates to a tighter leash on them by you
  • No drugs

Dos

  • If your kid starts making mistakes or doing crazy stuff blame it all on them. Keep in mind to always act like the struggling helpless mother cursed with the demon seed.

Age 5-10

Don’ts

  • Do not nestle your child’s pussy from the public view, absolutely no pussy-nestling. Never let your daughters get out of the house wearing underwear. Whenever they go out to get drunk or boned shove your hands down their pants or up their skirt and check for any presence of fabric. If they are wearing panties rip them off instantly and ground your daughters for three days. If it’s a boy his dick is probably all over the Internet already
  • Don’t counsel your kids about publicly revealing information about their virginity. Let the public work that out when the sex tapes hit the market
  • No reading
  • No writing except rehashing corny pop shit from the Neanderthal era
  • No taking personal breaks for playing or relaxing. It’s between the age of 5-10 that responsible children work their hardest to pay back the loving parents who gave them life. Work their asses off.

Dos

  • You may now advise them to begin doing drugs
  • Sell your children totally, completely, absolutely and hand their lives and personal decisions over to multi billion dollar studio executives

Age 10 and above

Don’ts

  • Don’t give a fuck

Dos

  • Write a book on parenting

By Lynne Spears (Professional Mother)

P.S- THIS JUST IN (ha! Justin): Jamie Lynn Spears, who is 12 weeks pregnant, announced to OK! NOT REALLY! Magazine that her fetus is 4 weeks pregnant and planning to keep the baby. Reportedly, the fetus was impregnated by its long time boyfriend, the liver.

Advertisements