The Scientology Hop Position

              The lovers engage in public display of affection by sucking on each other’s kneecaps for an extended period of time. After the foreplay session the couple then returns home on their private spaceship. The male partner attaches long electrical antennae to the skull of his sexual partner and buries her under the living room floor. He then mounts the sofa and hops on it fervently screaming “Hubba! Hubba! Hubbard!” four times in Italian, Spanish, and Indian accents. At which point he blows his load all over the couch. In this position, the male often attains climax prior to the female who is buried alive under the floor.

scientologyhop.jpg

The General Musharraf Maneuver

                The female partner, dressed in only a see through hijab, is confined to the kitchen making armpit-flavored pretzels. The male partner, dressed in complete army outfit, including the silk cap, sits in front of the television watching M.S. Dhoni while simultaneously engaging in fervent self-pleasuring. Even after the female lover finishes preparing the armpit-pretzels the male refuses to shed his uniform. The detractors of this mode of sexual union tend to refer to the act also as the Perverse Musharraf Maneuver.

perversemusharraf.jpg

The Poultry Farm Embrace

                The Poultry Farm Embrace is a highly potent erotic move that can often lead to the swelling up of several parts of the human anatomy that are generally not supposed to do that. Half past midnight the lovers stealthily enter a poultry farm and gain access to a chicken coop. After stepping inside, the man and the woman disrobe each other. After sensually licking each other’s nose hair the man and the woman proceed to sing “Glamorous” by Fergie. As soon as the song gets into the first chorus, the sleeping chickens will wake up and angrily begin to peck the fuck out of the lovers who are caught in the tightest of hugs. The painful pecking serves to enrich the pleasurable experience of physical intimacy inside the smelly coop. After about half an hour of pecking the chickens are likely to go back to their original state of being stupid. Bodily fluids, mostly blood, will be flowing in buckets from both the male and the female lover.

poultryfarmembrace.jpg

The Reverse Beowulf Position

               In the Reverse Beowulf Position the man and the woman engage in a ménage a trios with a fire-breathing dragon. The male performs cunnilingus on the woman while simultaneously receiving a fiery fellatio from the dragon. The positions are then switched as the woman eats out the dragon pussy while the man plays Halo on his Playstation 3. When he attains maximum body count, the man orgasms screaming, “I am Beowulf” a hundred thousand times. The woman stops licking out the dragon muff and mounts the man. Then the woman, assisted by the dragon, proceeds to rip off the man’s heart and also his balls and throws them inside the nearby laundry basket. The woman then goes onto fist the dragon’s anus eventually giving the dragon severe constipation.

3waydragonlove.jpg

The Seventy One Style

It’s 69 plus number 2.

71position.jpg

Advertisements