If I were Jesus I’d make sure I have with me a big fat hydrogen bomb when I make my second coming so that I can drop that motherfucker square on top of the Vatican. There’s only one thing worse than getting crucified in front of your own mother and disciples for shit that some other motherfuckers did and that’s getting to know that two thousand years later creepy, robe-wearing, bible-wielding, lazy-headed, rich-assed pedophiles are sticking their flesh-crosses into the holy grails of preteen altar boys and girls and are using your name to perpetrate that shit.
The moment somebody starts violently preaching against sexual morality or premarital sex or homosexuality or sodomy or pedophilia or anything even remotely sexual you can bet your entire life savings that that preacher is one horny-assed pervert with a boner the size of a scepter just dying to rape the shit out of the first piece of ass he can get his hands on. Even if it’s a kid barely out of preschool. And that’s no exception for Hindus, Muslims, Christians, and Jews. But the Catholic Priests seem to be taking sodomy and pedophilia to a whole new level that even Michael Jackson’s going “These guys make me look like Mother Fucking Teresa”. A New York Times survey in 2003 showed that over 4,200 sexual abuse claims were made against 1,200 Catholic Priests since 1940. Now, I’m all for the idea of innocent until proven guilty but when you have 4,200 children saying you fucked them in the ass, you are pretty much guilty. (Google New York Times Survey Catholic Sex Scandal if you think I’m making this shit up). Those numbers must have shot up faster than Keith Richards with a bag of cocaine in the last four years.

As always I opt for the civilized way to deal with such issues. A good old-fashioned debate. There’s nothing more fair and civilized than talking things out. Here’s a Catholic Priest, Father Faggot (FF), and a twelve year old sex abuse victim, Josephucked in the ass (JF), sorting out their differences through the medium of verbal debate with special convener SpongeBob SquarePants (SBSP) overseeing the talk.

SBSP: Now, Father Faggot, allow me to quote something verbatim from a news report. “The Jesuit order of the Roman Catholic Church has agreed to pay 50 million dollars to 110 Alaska Natives to settle claims of sexual abuse by priests and missionaries in some of the world’s most remote villages. Earlier this year the Los Angeles diocese agreed a record 660-million-dollar settlement abuse victims while the San Diego Catholic Church later paid 198 million dollars to victims. Since the beginning of the nationwide scandal five years ago, Catholic authorities in the United States have paid out around 2.8 billion dollars in damages to victims.” What do you have to say about that?
FF: I don’t understand why you’re killing this debate with such dull inconsequential information. Those are nothing but facts. And I fail to understand the importance of facts in a matter of religion.
JF (hurt expression): I trusted you. My whole belief system was based on everything you taught. You betrayed me. You have defiled the teachings of the Bible.
FF: Look, young man, I’ve been studying the Bible a lot longer than you have. And there’s nothing in there about not sodomizing your altar boys. Let’s go over the commandments again, shall we? Do you see a number eleven that says, “Thou shall not butt-fuck children”? That’s right, there’s no number eleven. So grow up, rub some Bengay where it hurts and let’s all just praise the Lord.
SBSP: But, Father, do you think that as a clergyman what you’re doing under the guise of Christianity is right? In a way, you’re not only betraying these poor bastards but also demeaning the true ideology of Christianity all across the world.
FF (hurt expression): Why don’t you attempt to hear my side before hurling such painful accusations at me? Why can’t people just trust the clergy instead of questioning us?
JF: Then why don’t you explain yourself now? I’d like to know the justification behind your actions.
FF (thinking): Well, I…I was merely trying to find the presence of Jesus.
JF (pissed): Up my anus?
FF: I don’t believe in taking second chances. Better to conduct a through search than come back later and do a shoddy job.
JF: You sick animal. You ruined my entire life. I can never experience true happiness. I can’t even sit on a fucking toilet without fearing you’re going to swim through the sewers up the drainage pipes into the toilet bowl and violate me again.
FF (beaming): That is one hell of a plan boy. I’m going to talk to the plumber about it first thing today evening. I like the way you think.
SBSP: Father Faggot…
FF (smiling affably): Call me Fag please.
SBSP: Alright, so Father Faggot, don’t you find it rather hypocritical that you Catholic Priests are always protesting things like sexual freedom and abortion and homosexuality when you’re in fact committing the very things you are against and that too in a much worse way?
FF: That accusation is completely baseless. I’ve never had an abortion in my life.
SBSP (slightly irritated): I was talking about homosexuality and your stand on it.
FF (incensed): Homosexuality is the unholy union of two grown men. The physical love a clergyman shares with a young supple boy is not homosexuality. It’s called having a damn good time. We will always been anti-abortion and anti-gay. There are no two ways about it.
JF (trying to get a word in): Are you pro anything?
FF: Sure. We are pro-sodomy, pro-pedophilia, pro-nipple piercing. In fact, I’m pro-coming over there and sticking my cock in your mouth right now.
JF (agonized by the past memories FF’s words broughto his mind): Please, take him away from here. Please, I can’t take this anymore. My mind is so weighed down with all the pain.
SBSP (concerned): Is there anything your parents have told you to do when you feel tense?
JF: They always told me to go to the confessional and confess.
SBSP: And did that ever help?
JF: There was never any confessionals. He transformed it into a glory hole and fucked my ear off.
FF: Hey, I was only trying to purge his sins.
SBSP: Is it true that you sexually abused Alaskan people?
FF: I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
SBSP: Can you say anything on it?
FF: All I can say is that it felt like having intercourse with a piece of refrigerated steak. It felt heavenly.
SBSP: But isn’t your task healing their spiritual wounds? Isn’t it abominable that you’re causing more grief to these people?
FF: I did try and heal their spiritual wounds. It’s just unfortunate that in the event of my doing that they ended up with a few rectal wounds. But hey that’s the deal with religion. No pain, no gain.
JF: But why does the pain have to be in the ass?
FF: Hey, I don’t make the rules. As you know God works in mysterious ways.
SBSP: Alright, it’s time to wrap up the debate. I just have one final question to ask you, Father Faggot.
FF: Shoot.
SBSP: Do you recall coming to an island near the Pacific Ocean a few years ago as a missionary? A little city called Bikini Bottom.
FF (unsure): I don’t quite remember…
SBSP (interrupting): You did. You spent almost a year there trying to convert the fish there to Catholicism. And do you recall that one drunken night when you stumbled into a yellow brick road and laid your eyes on a pineapple?
FF: Yes, but I just have a vague memory of what happened. What happened to the pineapple?
SBSP: Well, I thought you’d never ask. You fucked the pineapple. That’s what happened. You fucked it. You fucked the fucking pineapple till there was nothing left of it.
FF (surprised): Ok, so I fucked a pineapple. Why are you getting so worked up over it?
SBSP: Because, Father Faggot, I was in it when you were fucking it like an insane psychopath. Do you see these innumerous holes in my yellow exterior, Father? What do you think they are? Those are the cock dents you caused in my body.
FF (realizing that SpongeBob was beginning to lose it): Hold on, young man. That was completely unintentional. I had no idea you were inside that pineapple. I mean, come on, who lives in a pineapple?
SBSP: Your molesting days are over motherfucker. Patrick Star- NOW!
(Suddenly from nowhere a pink fleshy mass flies down and attaches itself onto Father Faggot’s face blocking his air supply)
JF (invigorated by the turn of events): Die motherfucker! Stifle him Patrick Star! Stifle him till he drops fucking dead!
SBSP: I’ve waited a long time for this.
(Father Faggot tries to fight off Patrick Star but the pink starfish is too persistent. Soon the resistance flounders and Father Faggot weakens. Patrick Star applies more pressure and soon Father Faggot breathes his last)
JF: Now I believe in Jesus, motherfucker!
SBSP: Nobody rapes SpongeBob and gets away with it.
(A minute or two of silence ensues. Nobody moves, no one speaks)
JF: What do we do now?
SBSP: I don’t know. Do you want to go back to my pineapple? Maybe come up for a glass of seawater?
JF (shyly): Yeah, I’d like that.
(SpongeBob and the sex abuse victim walk away into the sunset with Patrick Star in tow)