Sixty years. That’s as old as Hema Malini, the super-intelligent lone crusader of pure water for thirsty Indians all across the country. Sixty years. That’s how long Neha Dupia will have to keep acting like an absolute whore, while simultaneously bashing actresses who shed clothes and kiss on screen “without the script demanding it”, before anyone takes notice of her and finally fucks her to death using a spiked shoe. Sixty years. That’s half the number of years for which Lata Mangeshkar has been singing without realizing that she’s just a female version of Himesh Reshammiya. Sixty years. That’s how long it has been since the British colonizers in India ultimately got homesick and went back to their native land of Argentina.

                 Commemorating our sixtieth year of Independence, India’s top news channel Jetix went around asking random Indians what they thought were the ten most significant moments in the last sixty years of Indian History. After talking to about a thousand gazillion Indians (approximately one eighth of India’s total population), Jetix managed to compile an undisputable list of India’s ten greatest moments and achievements in the last sixty years. There were a few moments in the list that had completely escaped the collective memory of us Indians until the colorfully dressed Japanese midgets of Jetix recaptured it for us.

TOP TEN GOLDEN MOMENTS OF FREE INDIA

No: 10 – In 1959, the 14th Dalai Lama seeks refuge in India and tries out Indian food for the first time. He spends the next seven days shooting Tibetan turds out of his Rinpoche and is not able to meditate in complete silence. A year later, the 14th Dalai Lama tries out denim jeans for the first time and grows particularly fond of the fabric.

No: 9 – In 1967, a lewd MMS clip of a young Salman Rushdie eating spaghetti using both hands spreads all across India. The next day Ayatollah Noodles issues a “pastwa” against Rushdie for corrupting the sanctity of spaghetti by eating it without the use of a fork. A week later, Rushdie flees India and seeks asylum in Queen Elizabeth’s knickers. After seeking for three days straight, he not only finds asylum in the Queen’s knickers but also a half eaten carrot and a copy of Jane Austen’s Pried and Pussy Juice.

No: 8 – In 1975, Nelson Mandela has a one-night stand with President Indira Gandhi and doesn’t call her back. Indira Gandhi is super pissed and goes on a castration spree which stops only after two years and seven hundred and fifty seven pairs of skewered testicles.

No: 7 – In 1979, Mother Teresa wins the coveted Nobel Prize for Peace in honor of her great humanitarian work in the poorer parts of India. At the award ceremony, Mother Teresa asks only one question to the entire world: “Why the fuck didn’t anybody tell me leprosy was contagious?”

No: 6 – In 1983, the West Indies Cricket team forfeits the World Cup to India after Captain Kapil Dev threatens to take a one hour long class in spoken English for everyone attending the match. He then raises the cup and says the words that inspire millions of Indians: “I has done it. We is the only team who know how to game cricket. All future teams is bad.”

No: 5 – On May 21, 1991 Rajiv Gandhi has a really bad hair day.

No: 4 – In 1994, a young teenage girl shows how to insert a whole banana into her mouth and then swallow it on a global platform. A few days later, she is awarded the Ms. Universe title. The world takes notice of Indian women’s ability to swallow entire bananas and decide to keep giving them similar awards every four or five years.

No: 3 – In 1999, Hindus and Muslims unite to fight against a common enemy, the Y2K virus. But when squat happens on Jan 1, 2000 they go back to killing each other and their own. Later, the Indian Intelligence reveals that the Y2K virus had indeed planned on attacking India but got arrested by the Mumbai Police after a complaint of forced sexual act lodged by an ugly skunk/skank named Rakhi Sawant. After one week, the Y2K virus installs Norton and commits suicide out of shame.

No: 2 – On July 11, 2006 terrorists detonate eight consecutive bombs at all movie theatres playing Amitabh Bachchan’s Black. Miraculously, not a single living soul is hurt.

No: 1 – In 2007, Shilpa Slutty cries in front of the whole world because she’s called a Paki by an ignorant ugly fat man-bitch named Jade Goody. India considers breaking off its ties with England based on the event. The English get shit scared of a curry attack and give a whole lot of money to Shilpa Slutty. She and her annoying mother shifts residence from India to London. Shilpa Slutty appears in a hundred television interviews and shows major cleavage. Few months later, she returns to India in order to gift her sister, Shamita, a pair of panties. Richard Gere tries to bend Shilpa Slutty into half in front of a thousand people. Hours later, both Richard and Shilpa confirm to the media that he was merely trying to protect her from Lord Voldemort. Shilpa breaks up a filthy rich guy’s marriage. She’s awarded an honorary doctorate degree by the University of Over-the-top Pretentious Political Correctness.

                                                     Jai Hind!

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