INDIA POISED LIKE HELL Thursday, Jul 26 2007 

               At the Headquarters of the Ministry of Baby-killers in Mumbai, a bunch of baby-killers were toasting their latest achievement: that of stabbing a two day old baby twenty six times and leaving it in a pile of garbage. They raised their glasses filled with their favorite drink- liquefied fetus – and yelled “to infanticide”. They all drank to it and proceeded to take bites of their favorite dishes: mashed placenta and grilled umbilical cords. The Ministry had been in existence since forever although they received organizational status only after the day they were able to attain an all time best performance of killing twenty-seven babies in one day. It was masterminded by a couple who figured that setting a maternity ward on fire was the smartest way to fight the epidemic known as childbirth. That was also the standard answer that every member of the Ministry was required to give if ever questioned about their actions; they had to say “I did it for my country. I did it to control our population explosion.” And it was certain that if not everyone at least some fellow citizens would be fucked up enough to share their perspective and lend them support.

               As the celebrations were proceeding with all prams blazing, one of the Ministry’s trusted informants rushed in, gasping for breath, with a very crucial piece of information. The members of the Ministry of Baby-killers shuddered on hearing the news. The Indian people were apparently protesting in anger after some loser rummaged through the garbage dump and encountered the most horrific sight. The Ministry couldn’t believe what they were hearing. They expected a small disparaging piece in the third page of all the leading newspapers and maybe a short pitiful segment on NDTV but that was about it. However, in an unprecedented turn of events, the proud sons of India had generated an angry uprising. The matter was placed before the management board of the ministry and thoroughly discussed.

Baby Killer #1: This is outrageous. We’ve been killing babies all our lives and the rest of the Indians have never given a shit. But we stab a little twerp twenty-six times and leave him to die in a dumpster and they are pissed. That doesn’t make any sense.
Baby Killer #2: Something does seem to be amiss. I mean, what’s up these people’s asses that’s making them butt their noses into our business. Especially at a time like this when Shilpa Shetty is back in the news again. They should be in front of their television sets not giving a shit about other stuff that’s happening around them.
Baby Killer #1: Could it be that they have gained an outlook on life that’s not selfish? Could it be that the rest of the Indians have finally realized what stuff to get mad at and what stuff to let go?
Baby Killer #2 (thinks for few seconds): I strongly suspect that they’re all just really high.
Baby Killer #1: So, I guess the best thing for us to do for the time being is to lay low and let things settle down on their own.
Baby Killer #2: Yeah, that and murdering babies and devouring their intestines.
Baby Killer #1: Of course, that goes without saying.

                However, the ruckus didn’t subside; it only seemed to get worse with every passing day. The brave sons of India, apparently, showed no signs of retreating. Roads were blocked, windows broken, candles lit, effigies burned, and assholes fingered. The aggression reached such frustrating levels that the Ministry of Baby-killers decided that it was best to surrender themselves before the angry mob and plead with them to not hurt them.

               Therefore, the next day, while a screaming throng was making their way down the road, the Ministry confronted them. It was the showdown between the Ministry of Baby-killers and the patriots.

The Patriots: Who are you people? Get out of our way.
The Ministry: We’re here to negotiate with you.
The Patriots: We’re patriots, negotiation is not in our repertoire. On the other hand, doing retarded stuff based purely on impulse is.
The Ministry: We’re sorry to tell you that we are actually the people you’re protesting against.
The Patriots (silent for a second): You traitors did that? That despicable act was your work?
The Ministry: Well, yeah. But you have to understand that we had our reasons. And they seemed quite reasonable at the time.
The Patriots: We don’t care what reasons you had, you sick anti-social freaks. The fact of the matter is you committed one of the most heinous acts a human being could ever do.
The Ministry: Oh, come on. At least, it wasn’t as bad as Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
The Patriots: That may be but that doesn’t give you the right to do something like that. Perhaps you thought the rest of India would just sit back and not do anything about it.
The Ministry: Actually, yeah, we were under that impression. That is after all what we have been used to.
The Patriots: Get ready to feel the power of the new generation.
The Ministry (apologetic): We swear we didn’t mean to kill that baby. We were just teaching it self-defense.
The Patriots (confused): Baby? What baby? What the heck are you talking about?
The Ministry (puzzled as well): We’re talking about the baby we stabbed twenty-six times and dumped into a pile of garbage. Isn’t that why you’re protesting? We heard you shouting in the news stuff about the garbage dump and the irreprehensible act of hatred that was committed.
The Patriots: That’s true but we weren’t talking about any stupid baby’s death.
The Ministry: You weren’t?
The Patriots: Heck, no. We were talking about an offensive piece of writing that we found in the dump disrespecting our national pledge and in turn our nation.
The Ministry: And the dead baby?
The Patriots (pissed): To hell with the dead baby. We have more important matters to deal with here. Someone actually used the words “fuck” “dick” and “pussy” and made fun of our national pledge. We will not rest until we burn that sonofabitch up on a fucking cross.
The Ministry (softly): So you don’t mind us murdering babies and ditching their half dead bodies on the streets?
The Patriots: Look, wise guys, we don’t care what you do as long as you don’t criticize our history, our historical figures, and our legacy. You can whack all the newborns you want provided you don’t disrespect, by means of words or art, the national flag, the national pledge or the national anthem. You can rape as many women as you want as long as you don’t refer to them as “pussies” or “hoes” or “bitches”. You can even molest as many kids as you feel like because that’s not a crime that’s limited to our country alone. No country is crime free so that makes it alright for us to rape and molest and kill and torture. But if you talk about it in an obscene manner we’re not going to just stand by and let it happen. If some smart-ass hopes to write some vulgar shit about our nation, our religion, or our history and get away with it, by God, he better think twice about it! According to us writing “horny dick” is way worse than taking one out and slapping a girl with it.
The Ministry (pauses for a moment): So we’re good?
The Patriots: Yeah, we’re fine. Look, you people might have a fetish for killing babies but as far as we can see you communicate using decent language and you say nothing against our nation. And you are all men. So we got no problem. Now, we have to continue with our protests. Take Care.
The Ministry (still a bit stunned): You too…we guess.

               The ecstatic Ministry of Baby-killers thanked God for averting a potential danger and promised the almighty that they would change their ways. They gave their word to the Lord to never kill a baby again and dump it in a pile of garbage. They vowed to always get rid of the body by hurling it into the ocean. But right now, they had to celebrate this great close shave. They called a nationwide meeting of the Ministry and threw a grand buffet having dishes ranging from fried-rice, uterus curry, newborn’s heart roast, and stuffed infant with a side of baby pancreas.

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3 Responses to INDIA POISED LIKE HELL

  1. talk says:

    eat that ksdjo!

  2. Sam says:

    WHOAA!!! Some real ass kicking!!!!!

  3. cartman says:

    awesome post..take tht ksdjo..whr u hiding now?

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INDIA POISED LIKE HELL Thursday, Jul 26 2007 

               At the Headquarters of the Ministry of Baby-killers in Mumbai, a bunch of baby-killers were toasting their latest achievement: that of stabbing a two day old baby twenty six times and leaving it in a pile of garbage. They raised their glasses filled with their favorite drink- liquefied fetus – and yelled “to infanticide”. They all drank to it and proceeded to take bites of their favorite dishes: mashed placenta and grilled umbilical cords. The Ministry had been in existence since forever although they received organizational status only after the day they were able to attain an all time best performance of killing twenty-seven babies in one day. It was masterminded by a couple who figured that setting a maternity ward on fire was the smartest way to fight the epidemic known as childbirth. That was also the standard answer that every member of the Ministry was required to give if ever questioned about their actions; they had to say “I did it for my country. I did it to control our population explosion.” And it was certain that if not everyone at least some fellow citizens would be fucked up enough to share their perspective and lend them support.

               As the celebrations were proceeding with all prams blazing, one of the Ministry’s trusted informants rushed in, gasping for breath, with a very crucial piece of information. The members of the Ministry of Baby-killers shuddered on hearing the news. The Indian people were apparently protesting in anger after some loser rummaged through the garbage dump and encountered the most horrific sight. The Ministry couldn’t believe what they were hearing. They expected a small disparaging piece in the third page of all the leading newspapers and maybe a short pitiful segment on NDTV but that was about it. However, in an unprecedented turn of events, the proud sons of India had generated an angry uprising. The matter was placed before the management board of the ministry and thoroughly discussed.

Baby Killer #1: This is outrageous. We’ve been killing babies all our lives and the rest of the Indians have never given a shit. But we stab a little twerp twenty-six times and leave him to die in a dumpster and they are pissed. That doesn’t make any sense.
Baby Killer #2: Something does seem to be amiss. I mean, what’s up these people’s asses that’s making them butt their noses into our business. Especially at a time like this when Shilpa Shetty is back in the news again. They should be in front of their television sets not giving a shit about other stuff that’s happening around them.
Baby Killer #1: Could it be that they have gained an outlook on life that’s not selfish? Could it be that the rest of the Indians have finally realized what stuff to get mad at and what stuff to let go?
Baby Killer #2 (thinks for few seconds): I strongly suspect that they’re all just really high.
Baby Killer #1: So, I guess the best thing for us to do for the time being is to lay low and let things settle down on their own.
Baby Killer #2: Yeah, that and murdering babies and devouring their intestines.
Baby Killer #1: Of course, that goes without saying.

                However, the ruckus didn’t subside; it only seemed to get worse with every passing day. The brave sons of India, apparently, showed no signs of retreating. Roads were blocked, windows broken, candles lit, effigies burned, and assholes fingered. The aggression reached such frustrating levels that the Ministry of Baby-killers decided that it was best to surrender themselves before the angry mob and plead with them to not hurt them.

               Therefore, the next day, while a screaming throng was making their way down the road, the Ministry confronted them. It was the showdown between the Ministry of Baby-killers and the patriots.

The Patriots: Who are you people? Get out of our way.
The Ministry: We’re here to negotiate with you.
The Patriots: We’re patriots, negotiation is not in our repertoire. On the other hand, doing retarded stuff based purely on impulse is.
The Ministry: We’re sorry to tell you that we are actually the people you’re protesting against.
The Patriots (silent for a second): You traitors did that? That despicable act was your work?
The Ministry: Well, yeah. But you have to understand that we had our reasons. And they seemed quite reasonable at the time.
The Patriots: We don’t care what reasons you had, you sick anti-social freaks. The fact of the matter is you committed one of the most heinous acts a human being could ever do.
The Ministry: Oh, come on. At least, it wasn’t as bad as Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
The Patriots: That may be but that doesn’t give you the right to do something like that. Perhaps you thought the rest of India would just sit back and not do anything about it.
The Ministry: Actually, yeah, we were under that impression. That is after all what we have been used to.
The Patriots: Get ready to feel the power of the new generation.
The Ministry (apologetic): We swear we didn’t mean to kill that baby. We were just teaching it self-defense.
The Patriots (confused): Baby? What baby? What the heck are you talking about?
The Ministry (puzzled as well): We’re talking about the baby we stabbed twenty-six times and dumped into a pile of garbage. Isn’t that why you’re protesting? We heard you shouting in the news stuff about the garbage dump and the irreprehensible act of hatred that was committed.
The Patriots: That’s true but we weren’t talking about any stupid baby’s death.
The Ministry: You weren’t?
The Patriots: Heck, no. We were talking about an offensive piece of writing that we found in the dump disrespecting our national pledge and in turn our nation.
The Ministry: And the dead baby?
The Patriots (pissed): To hell with the dead baby. We have more important matters to deal with here. Someone actually used the words “fuck” “dick” and “pussy” and made fun of our national pledge. We will not rest until we burn that sonofabitch up on a fucking cross.
The Ministry (softly): So you don’t mind us murdering babies and ditching their half dead bodies on the streets?
The Patriots: Look, wise guys, we don’t care what you do as long as you don’t criticize our history, our historical figures, and our legacy. You can whack all the newborns you want provided you don’t disrespect, by means of words or art, the national flag, the national pledge or the national anthem. You can rape as many women as you want as long as you don’t refer to them as “pussies” or “hoes” or “bitches”. You can even molest as many kids as you feel like because that’s not a crime that’s limited to our country alone. No country is crime free so that makes it alright for us to rape and molest and kill and torture. But if you talk about it in an obscene manner we’re not going to just stand by and let it happen. If some smart-ass hopes to write some vulgar shit about our nation, our religion, or our history and get away with it, by God, he better think twice about it! According to us writing “horny dick” is way worse than taking one out and slapping a girl with it.
The Ministry (pauses for a moment): So we’re good?
The Patriots: Yeah, we’re fine. Look, you people might have a fetish for killing babies but as far as we can see you communicate using decent language and you say nothing against our nation. And you are all men. So we got no problem. Now, we have to continue with our protests. Take Care.
The Ministry (still a bit stunned): You too…we guess.

               The ecstatic Ministry of Baby-killers thanked God for averting a potential danger and promised the almighty that they would change their ways. They gave their word to the Lord to never kill a baby again and dump it in a pile of garbage. They vowed to always get rid of the body by hurling it into the ocean. But right now, they had to celebrate this great close shave. They called a nationwide meeting of the Ministry and threw a grand buffet having dishes ranging from fried-rice, uterus curry, newborn’s heart roast, and stuffed infant with a side of baby pancreas.

3 Responses to INDIA POISED LIKE HELL

  1. Anonymous says:

    Great post dude

  2. Navi says:

    haha nice one bro

  3. dreamer2702 says:

    very well written piece!

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