Once upon a time there happened a union between two people that brought as much joy to the world as getting a double blowjob from a pair of redheaded twin sisters. God must have moved the pieces himself for such a liaison between two mortals had never occurred. He lived his life amongst sweaty Englishmen who hugged and kissed each other when they found success with their balls and she enthralled the world as the most posh slut in the muff-eating girl-band of the millennium. For years the cock-adoring Englishman and the cunt-hunting lady from London lived their separate lives unaware of the remarkable future that destiny held for them. But, on one beautiful heartwarmingly divine day, during a gay/lesbian orgy their eyes met, their hearts melted, and their pubic hairs stood up. The Englishman, whilst getting his tiny ass stuffed by Elton John’s multicolored dong, saw before him the most elegant, magnificent dick he had ever seen. And she had tits as well. Meanwhile, the lady from London, whilst getting her clit bit majestically by the Queen of England, came across at the other end of the room, straining under Sir Elton’s intense fudge-packing, the most handsome pussy she had ever laid eyes upon. The dick and the pussy stared at each other as the world moved around them, and as their genitals were being pummeled by wrinkly old sex-beasts. But one thing was certain; it was true love at first sight.

                The wedding, as per the words of the filthy rich pricks and holes who were the only ones invited, was the most magical romantic evening they had ever been to. Many were close to tears, and some farted loudly, when the priest told the pussy to kiss the dick. The years that passed only served to strengthen the bond between the pussy and the dick. The Englishman donned the role of the perfect husband by signing multi-billion dollar commercial deals, and having intercourse with random people, while the lady from London epitomized wifehood by dressing up, buying expensive stuff, and paying off paparazzi to take photos of her in action. And after her husband came home, she made sensuous love to him for over two minutes. After coitus they resumed their usual sleeping positions- the wife with her foot inside the husband’s mouth and the husband with his ass on her face. However, on that fateful day it appeared as though all the jealously and bitterness of the rest of the world had caught up with them. As the lady from London struggled to breathe with her husband’s asshole covering up her nose, she noticed a scarlet word that was tattooed across his cheeks. It said “Rooney was here. So were Michael Owen and Thierry Henry.” That was the day the pussy and the dick had their first oral spat.

                The ass-tattoo crippled the celestial image that the world had ascribed to the pussy and the dick. But the love that the lady from London had for her pussy and the feelings that the Englishman had for his dick were still true and deep. They watched Hugh Grant movies for hours before they finally agreed that they had to leave the country in order to save their marriage. Besides, nobody gave a fuck about them anyway ever since that little gay boy Harry Potter took over the English minds. They decided they needed to move to a place where painfully rich dicks and pussies like them could live without the disturbing stares of the medium rich; a place where infidelity was treated as part of a marriage and not a flaw; a place where people were free to tattoo anything they wanted anywhere they wanted; a place where people were so full of themselves that they even put up pictures of their excreta. They decided to move to Los Angeles, California.                 

                Their love returned; their happiness was reinstated; and their divine marital life was on the clouds once again. The whole of America, despite not knowing who the fuck this pussy and dick were, was bowled over the warmth, gentleness, wealth, and self-indulgence exhibited by these fair-skinned Brits. The official representatives of America- Tom Cruise and Jay Leno- welcomed the Englishman and the lady from London by taking out their penises and waving it at them. Tom Cruise even made a playful remark about how the only big thin Leno had was his chin. Leno, the quick-witted comedian retorted by calling Katie Holmes a bitch. The Englishman and the lady from London felt right at home in Los Angeles. They did however make a polite request to all the black guys in the neighborhood to have no shooting and killing after ten in the night since their babies needed complete silence to sleep. The Englishman found a group of American men who loved to sweat, embrace, kiss and play with balls. The lady from London saw potential in reviving her lesbian music career after she listened to Paris Hilton’s music CD.                

               After days of self-paid publicity and strutting around, the lady from London and the Englishman made exquisite love that lasted for over three minutes. Things were already getting better. Then they resumed their usual sleeping position. As the wife was planting her nose into her husband’s rectum she noticed a new batch of scarlet words tattooed across his buttocks. It read: “Victoria and David Beckham move to America.” The wife poked her husband’s face with her foot and said, “Who’s Victoria and David Beckham?” The husband, with his wife’s other foot inside his mouth sputtered, “Who the fuck knows? Now stop talking and bury your face in my anus.”