Britain was unusually bright a couple of days ago. No, it wasn’t because the sun was shining extra brilliantly over them. Neither was the reason the photograph of Emma Watson holding a pair of panties. It was because the yellow teeth of a thousand British Astronomers were displayed more proudly than the time they saw Elton John trip and fall into Princess Diana’s grave. The dirty smile of the British Astronomy Community was explained by the fact that they had discovered the presence of water, albeit contaminated, on a distant earth-like planet. They also discovered empty packets of Cheetos lying around on the planet’s surface. And that, they believed, could only mean one thing- the new planet was potentially the home of Elvis Presley.

                 The British Astronomers revealed the information that they had been speculating the presence of Elvis on the planet for the last two decades. They first felt suspicious twenty years ago when they observed a giant planet in the form of a bloated ass. And eight years back they observed that the side of the planet had suffered a huge burn of some sort. After intricate scientific analyses, they felt that this “side burn” might also be a sign of Elvis inhabitation on the strange planet. And now with the discovery of the empty packet of Cheetos they were closer than ever to establishing the presence of Elvis on the distant buttock-shaped planet. The British Astronomers then celebrated this potentially groundbreaking discovery of theirs by meeting up in their Laboratory Headquarters and having tea and scones.

                One of the many peculiar characteristics the scientists believed Elvis on the new planet could have was the ability to produce visible farts. The British Astronomers made a press statement where they explained that the high rate of consumption and low rate of metabolism in Elvis, combined with his still persistent drug use, might have lead to the production of visible farts. Elvis’s condition was also related to the presence of a gas in the atmosphere of the planet called “fartogen” which gave form and shape to the usually shapeless fart. They also explained that this was probably why the planet had the appearance of a giant bum. The visible farts, they believed, took the shape of various Westlife members and at times of constipation even looked like Madonna. 

                Earlier in the day matters took a completely new twist as the British Astronomers decided to send a remote-controlled space bulldog to investigate the goings on in the weird arse planet. The camera, which was strategically placed in the bulldog’s bollocks, would capture close up images of the planet, its surface, and hopefully Elvis. The bulldog landed safely on the planet owing to the fact that I can pretty much cook up anything that I want in this awfully fucked up piece. The British Astronomers, meanwhile, watched with attentive eyes on their gigantic screen the images that were being picked up by the bulldog’s bollocks. Suddenly, a flurry of images came up on the screen that sent them into waves of shock. The astronomers and scientists all looked at each other in pure disbelief and horror. They decided that this was information that had to be shared with the rest of the world as soon as possible. After having tea and scones, of course.

                 Later in the day, the British Astronomers Community released the press statement where they explained that the images captured by the space bulldog’s testicular camera showed not Elvis Presley walking around but in fact an alien dressed up as Elvis Presley walking around leaving trails of visible farts. The astronomers concluded that this could only mean one thing- that Elvis never even really existed. Elvis had been an alien all along sent down to Earth to study us and brainwash us. And after completing his task the alien had flown back to its home planet and resumed its normal life. The astronomers also said that the bulldog’s bollocks had captured video proof that would confirm that even people like Drew Barrymore and Charlize Theron were in fact aliens dressed up as hot babes sent to Earth in an elaborate plan to take over Earth and frustrate normal horny men.

                The Astronomers assured the world that there was no need to panic since they would no longer be wasting their time and money on such useless missions anymore. Instead, they would utilize their resources to try and figure out how deep Lindsay Lohan’s minge was.