India has always been a safe home for children even with all the murderous child molesters, aggressively demanding parents, addictive video games, child labor, violent television programs, and obscene fucking blogs. However, no longer is the average Indian child safe because there’s a new enemy in our country that, almost exclusively, targets kids with as much venom and hatred as a white trash guy in England who sees a slightly better off Asian guy. Parents all across the country are dumbstruck by this perilous phenomenon. The Indian Government, too, are left clueless when it comes to devising a strategy to combat this terribly powerful enemy. I’m, obviously, talking about holes. Deep narrow killer holes.

               Top Indian scientists utilized millions of taxpayers’ money in conducting research on the behavioral patters of these holes and why these holes seemed to prefer children as opposed to adults or even animals. After extensive study they came to the conclusion that the average Indian kid was retarded. Their secondary observations included the fact that these deep holes had the ability to transform themselves into different shapes and measurements. The scientists believed that the transforming holes could have been planted in India by either Pakistani spies or space aliens. According to the scientists the holes took the form of uncovered borewells, hidden ditches, open manholes, and Rakhi Sawant’s flesh conch. The transformed holes would then stay still playing the waiting game until an average retarded Indian kid hopped along. Once the retarded kid came within at least ten centimeters of its mouth, the hole would grow wider abruptly and swallow the poor bastard.

               After lying low for a few months the enemy struck again a couple of days back. Top news channels like CNN-IBN, NDTV, and Cartoon Network used state of the art cameras and cranes that were designed to explore the deepest of ditches or the tallest of trees to get every possible shot of the suffocated child. Other news channels like Headlines Today, who couldn’t afford such expensive equipment, used innovative methods to cover the story like going around asking strangers and previous pit-victims what they thought of the little boy who fell in the borewell. The parents of the boy who was stuck in the well expressed their deep gratitude to the news channels for the invaluable help they were lending their son in between reporting about Amitabh Bachchan, sports, and Amitabh Bachchan.

               The rescue operations were so intense and efficient that at one point the JCB machine used in the rescue made an attempt to fit itself down the narrow hole where the boy was trapped. It was later found out that the driver of the machine was drunk and also a complete Transformers buff. The local authorities sought help from the much richer central authorities who explained that they were short on assistance for the time being but would definitely send bags of prayers and hope to the family of the boy. The rescue operation came to a standstill when all possible methods were tried and found wanting. There was nothing that was left to do. Well, except one thing. Every single soul at the scene gathered together, put their palms together, and called out to the only force, which could rescue the boy. And after about forty-five minutes he arrived.

                Superhero Krrish burst into the scene in a yellow taxi and apologized for his delay. He explained that he couldn’t fly over since the exhaust pipes attached to his asshole had gone rusty and had to be greased before it started working again. Unlike the authorities, Krrish wasted no time in assessing the situation. With his hands resting at his hips, he exclaimed, “The boy is in trouble.” The parents of the boy stuck in the well stared at Krrish and replied, “You think?” Krrish quickly scanned the area for something long, strong, and flexible. He demanded the crowd to hand him something that was long, strong, and flexible. None of the people had anything with them that was long, strong, and flexible. Krrish demanded yet again for something that was long, strong, and flexible. Finally, somebody from the crowd asked the obvious question which was, after all the purpose of repeating the phrase long, strong, and flexible, “Why don’t you just insert your penis into the borewell?” Krrish stared at the guy who made the remark and answered, “Nah. That won’t even fit a thimble. But, I do have some of the long pubic hair that I grew for Dhoom 3. That’s it. Krrish to the rescue.”

                  After about two hours of trying to entwine the boy using his pubic hair Krrish finally succeeded in getting the boy out of the well. The crowd gathered there applauded loudly, the news channels began covering Krrish, and Rakesh Roshan planned yet another sequel. The boy, however, was in a state of unconsciousness and had only a 5 % chance of survival. But that didn’t matter. What was important was that the enemy was defeated, and that too by our very own superhero. The media celebrated the event and put the video feed in their archives to use the next time something like this happened. And Krrish, after letting himself get embraced by all his fans, bid goodbye. Unfortunately, on his way back, he tripped, lost his balance, and fell into the deep dark chasm of Rakhi Sawant’s flesh conch. 

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