Alan Johnston, the kidnapped BBC journalist, was released today after 114 days in the captivity of a group of men who call themselves the PWPF, or the Panty Wearing Potter Fans. At a press conference following his release, Johnston stated that there were very few things that he had gone through in his life that topped his kidnapping in being the worst experience ever- like waxing his pubic hair, immersing his head into a man’s torso during open heart surgery and blowing, and watching Evan Almighty.

                The PWPF, Johnston explained, were a group of really pansy men who wore panties and enjoyed Harry Potter books and movies. The BBC reporter recalled some of the most chilling episodes from his traumatic kidnapping where the PWPF sat around in a circle and discussed the potential twists and turns in the last installment of the Harry Potter series of books. And on some really horrific days they wore cardboard masks of Harry and Ron and fudge-packed each other like crazy. The sight was almost as horrendous as watching even five minutes of According to Jim, recalled Alan Johnston.

               The Panty Wearing Potter Fans had apparently kidnapped him because they wanted the British Government to force J.K Rowling to keep writing new Harry Potter books, giving bigger boobs to Hermione and transforming Harry from being Lance Bass gay to Ryan Seacrest gay. However, the British Government, having always held morality above everything else refused to grant their demands. Britain held the view that they had already contaminated the world with Hugh Grant and James Bond and they couldn’t live with the guilt of inflicting yet another Harry Potter book upon the world. So they told the cross-dressing homos to bugger off.

                Johnston also relived the painful memories of the times the fairies played quidditch with his balls. It was also at the occasion of quidditch that one of the PWPF leaders named Lord Voldemort blindfolded him and inserted something into his mouth and then took it away, and kept repeating it until his throat burned. Johnston maintained he didn’t know what the object Lord Voldemort put in and out of his mouth after blindfolding him was. He did, however, say that it could have been a slippery eel that smelled like a man’s penis.

                  The BBC family welcomed Johnston with open arms to his old office and the Queen of Britain welcomed him with open buttcheeks to her old orifice. Johnston was met with a strong musky smell and thick cobwebs at both places. Johnston thanked his wife and kids for supporting him and writing him letters without ever giving up hope; he explained that the letters came in handy since the place where he was had absolutely no toilet paper. He also thanked his wife’s sister for regularly sending him photos of her going potty.

                 Alan Johnston claimed that there was a point where he thought he would never be released from captivity. That only changed after he was able to negotiate with the PWPF and strike an agreeable deal. He explained that as he was speaking at the press conference, the PWPF, wearing the disguise of panty washing laundry men, were kidnapping J.K Rowling from her zillion-dollar mansion. When asked about why he would put another person’s life at risk to save his own he replied by saying that he wasn’t a fucking moron to not do that if the chance was there. He also let Potter fans all over the world know that J.K Rowling would be, at no point, harmed. Lord Voldemort, apparently, just wanted to repeatedly insert his slippery eel that smelled like a man’s penis in and out of Rowling’s head until her brain burned.