Animal activist freaks are on top of the world because the bald Eagle has been officially removed from the endangered species list. We all know what that means. Eagle hunting time! Now, eagle hunters can decapitate these bald eagles, stick a knife through their hearts, and eat them without that tug on their conscience, which used to tell them to preserve bald Eagles for posterity to hunt and kill. Now, both they and their future generations can hunt and kill these bald eagles as much as they want since they are once again back in circulation.                 

                 The bald Eagle was put on the endangered species list some years back when what started as a fad amongst these eagles turned into something really serious. The female bald eagles watched an episode of Oprah where she said withholding sex could give them anything they wanted from their men. Driven by this advice the female bald eagles just refused to part their legs when their horny bald men came home at night. However, the plan didn’t quite come to fruition as Oprah and the female bald eagles expected. The bald males, as much as they wanted home grown pussy, wasn’t too bothered about not getting it at home. They just resorted to what every bird did when it couldn’t get laid at home. The male bald Eagles visited the Bird Brothel and got themselves some parrot pussy instead. Sure, it was lot wider and greener than eagle pussy but they were guys for God’s sake; any pussy was good pussy. The domestic friction became so intense that many bald Eagle couples even went for therapy to their official counselor. But after three days of marriage counseling they realized that Dr. Phil wasn’t a bald eagle, he was just a bald bitch.                 

                And years passed, the birth rate amongst the bald Eagles dropped alarmingly. The male bald Eagles had gotten so used to parrot pussy that the thought of even a random eagle pussy never crossed their minds. They didn’t even crave for a casual blowjob from their eagle wives. As far as they were concerned their wives were there to cook, clean, and do the laundry. Besides, there was no way the female bald Eagles could compete against the super kinky parrot sluts. Rumor was that during intercourse the parrots stuffed crackers and chili powder up the male eagles’ asses, which kept them going for at least an hour more. All the female bald eagles knew was to lie in bed, part their legs, take in the eagle dick, and moan, “Yeah, yeah give it to me baldie, give it to me.” They wouldn’t even get on top because Oprah had taught them that it was not ladylike to ride an eagle cock. While that may have been sexy to the male bald Eagles at one time, it seemed like geometry classes to them after getting a taste of parrot pussy. Soon, pregnancy was an unheard phenomenon in the bald Eagle community. The vaginas of the female bald Eagles saw so little action that a situation arose where the eagle vaginas sealed themselves up naturally not even giving access to the females to finger their depression away. And they did what any stupid, homebound woman who couldn’t get cock did- they became more addicted to Oprah who kept giving them stories about all men being rapists, molesters, cheaters, and pricks. Oprah also taught them that life wasn’t all about sex and that they could utilize their time productively by engaging in social activities like redecorating their homes and sniffing their pets’ rectums. Meanwhile, the birth rate kept plummeting.                

                   Then one day it happened. A group of female bald Eagles who were tuning into watch Oprah accidentally tuned into VH1 and saw a creature doing things that no one else dared to do, living life the way that it was to be lived. At that point the female bald Eagles knew they had found their savior, Paris Hilton. Unlike the women on Oprah who talked about the dignity of being feminine and the propriety of living in a society, Paris Hilton was all about whorishness, all about freedom. That was exactly the kind of role model they were looking for. She never wore underwear, didn’t care what she had to do to please men, toiled day and night to get those cocks pumping inside her, and did it all with a proud smile on her cum-stained lips. The female bald Eagles immediately rushed home, pulled their husbands from bed and began stroking their eagle balls. Although the husbands resisted at first, once those sharp beaks engulfed their eagle wieners there was nothing they could do but submit to their reformed wives. The wives didn’t straightaway force the husbands to enter their pussies. They weren’t stupid cunts, for God’s sake. They knew that in order to enslave men they had to give them the one thing that all men wanted: butt sex. And the female bald Eagles bent over and let themselves get pounded like the fate of the world depended on it. The male bald Eagles were stunned; they hadn’t seen this much horniness in even a parrot. Soon, they realized that east pussy or west pussy, home pussy was the best pussy. And eventually, all the female bald Eagles were knocked up. And the bald Eagle community was saved from extinction.                

                 Recently, when Paris Hilton was jailed, the bald Eagles were one of her strongest supporters. They kept writing to her when she was in jail, rooted for her all throughout the ordeal, prayed for her well being, and even held tribute orgies in secluded parts of forests. After the Larry King interview Paris was generous enough to stop and talk to the bald Eagles whom she had unknowingly helped repopulate. The bald Eagles stated that they were forever indebted to Paris and the valuable lesson of being a total slut she had taught them. But they all agreed on the fact that there was one thing that was left to do; they had to take care of someone who had misguided them and almost ruined their lives. So, the bald Eagles and Paris Hilton flew over to Oprah’s mansion and lacerated Oprah’s black cunt.              

Advertisements