The shroud of sadness that was spread last Sunday over billions of people has not yet been lifted. The world saw the passing of a truly heroic individual who had captured the hearts of everyone around him. That dark Sunday marked the end of the significant life of one of the greatest fighters ever, both in professional and personal life: World Wrestling Entertainment star, Chris Benoit. Everyone who knew him described him as a thorough professional, but above all Benoit was etched in the hearts of his friends and family as a good human being. His wife, Nancy, and his seven-year-old mentally challenged son, Daniel, however, were unavailable to make comments on Chris Benoit’s death. Mainly because the compassionate wrestling hero had murdered them both with his bare hands before killing himself.

                The most distressing fact although is the number of morbidly perverse people out there who’re trying to tarnish this solemn Benoit family occasion of double homicide suicide by bringing up accusations of Chris Benoit being a victim of “roid rage”. Our society has become so addicted to stereotyping people that every time a person having abnormally large muscles with veins the size of portable computers comes on screen, they naturally assume he’s buffed up with the assistance of steroids. The World Wrestling Entertainment and other athletes in the wrestling business are of the opinion that the very theory of “roid rage” is baseless even though they deny furiously taking steroids at any point in their lives. They strongly believe that the linking of this crazy theory and the perfectly natural double homicide suicide story of Benoit is part of a much larger controversy propagated by the SNL team in yet another attempt to tarnish the respectability of the wrestling business. The SNL team, or the Scrawny Nerds League, according to the WWE, is a group of skinny douchebags who, try as hard as they might, can never put on body mass at the same rate as the professional wrestlers. Hence, they develop a feeling of jealously which generate in them a need to make up shitty stuff connecting wrestlers and steroids.

                 Regarding Chris Benoit’s general disposition both the WWE and its chairman, Vince McMahon, maintained that he was a mild-mannered individual who never showed signs of any kind of violence. Well, except for beating up people to pulp, hitting them with chairs, jumping off ladders and head butting them on their sternums, and twisting their heads so far behind their back that they would pass out of pain. But then again, which professional sportsman didn’t do that these days? Benoit’s toothless smile, resulting from a bloody brutal brawl, was something that brought warmth and enthusiasm to others, reported some of Benoit’s colleagues namely the Animal and the Dead Man. There was no way anyone could have known that Chris Benoit, nicknamed the Rabid Wolverine, had any element of aggression residing in him. The WWE also stated that Benoit, though melancholic most of the time, could not be described as suicidal since this was the first and only time that he had committed suicide.

                Police reports said that Chris Benoit may have used his trademark finishing maneuver, “the Crippler Cross face”, on his son to stifle him to death. Wrestling enthusiasts remarked that it only served to prove how much passion Benoit had for the wrestling business. Some even speculated that knowing Benoit’s resilient gene pool, his seven-year-old son who suffered from Fragile X syndrome, might not have tapped out to his father’s submission maneuver. After all he was the son of a man who was all heart. Benoit’s wife, who was obviously weaker owing to her sex, submitted to “the Crippler Cross face” as soon as her neck broke. Benoit then proceed to kill himself by swallowing a dumbbell and watching recorded episodes of Crumbs. Placed next to the corpses of his wife and son were two copies of the Bible, which was technically the only possible loophole for Benoit to get into heaven. The Pope, on hearing this, stated that he talked Jesus out of taking Benoit in since this act of Benoit was a desecration of the Holy Bible and that for his sins, Benoit would be reborn in his next life as a call center employee in India.

                Several wrestlers expressed their shock on the mind-boggling incident. They all felt bewildered on learning that Chris Benoit had copies of the Bible. As far as they knew, the only thing he could read was names of painkillers. Hulk Hogan, a few days back, made a bold statement when he supported controlled steroid use. According to Hogan, his entire family used steroids and they all did just fine. Except for the small side effect that happened with his daughter Brooke where she grew testicles in the side of her neck. And his son who developed pussy lips on his forehead. Hogan, much like the rest of the wrestling world, supported WWE and said that the increasing number of early deaths in the business was not due to drug use of any kind. He would be a hundred and thirty three next year. Hogan instead believed the early deaths to be an aftermath of global warming.

                As bizarrely discomforting as Benoit’s death was and as large a part of the business as he was, the WWE should not be burdened with the sins of this monstrous man, exclaimed Vince McMahon. There was even speculation that Benoit’s ex-friend Eddie Guerrero may have been behind Benoit’s death, creating the double homicide suicide scenario as a set up for something way more sinister. However, the speculation was abandoned after people remembered that Eddie Guerrero had died a couple of years back owing to a steroid related heart failure.

                The WWE used to and, still do sometimes, show clips of wrestlers telling viewers at home not to imitate at home the moves that they do. Chris Benoit, too, was in a similar video explaining to viewers how much pain it was to actually do what he and his colleagues did. He advised WWE fans to never imitate at home what they saw on TV. In a touching tribute to Chris Benoit, the WWE fans from all around the world chanted in unison in an attempt to summarize Benoit’s life and career, “Practice what you preach, motherfucker.”

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