Americans say she’s one of their own; Indians claim she’s their most treasured sister; women all over the world, regardless of their geographical differences, accept her as their shiniest star; ugly people hail her name as the greatest source of inspiration to come out of their community since Whoopi Goldberg. Regardless of where she really belongs Sunita Williams is definitely considered out of this world right now.

                 A lot of people, especially some of us patriotic Indians, prayed till we bled out of our urinary tracts so that this hitherto unheard of space bitch could make it back to earth safely. And God, who knew that prayer-induced internal bleeding occurred only when the supplication was sincere, made sure Sunita Williams returned to her planet unscathed except for the bite marks on her labia majora, which were self inflicted owing to the shortage of fish n chips towards the fag end of her journey. The Indian President, Abdul Kalam, welcomed Sunita by personally entering the Atlantis and greeting her. The missile man spent about an hour inside Sunita’s cockpit and wondered at the capaciousness of the region. He also proposed the idea of one day having Sunita take control of his missiles and raising it to an altitude of at least seven inches, let alone outer space. Sunita responded by stating that she was starving and attempted to perform more acts of self-cannibalization on her vulva before NASA stopped her in time by feeding her some penis kebabs.

                Hearing the media extol the courage and determination of Sunita in surviving trying conditions and living inside an air-conditioned space craft with treadmill, refrigerator, computers, scrabble, dildos, and Charlie Chaplin tapes, some fishermen and soldiers requested that their stories of staring death in its face every moment of their lives be reported on television as well. The leading news channels promised the soldiers and fishermen that they would definitely run their stories. However, they would first have to bring three things to the media: the beating heart of a Stegosaurus, the blood of a two hundred year old Chinese prostitute, and a picture of Paris Hilton wearing any form of underwear.

                The number of jobless kiss-ass interviewers smothering Sunita Williams was so overwhelming that the Bachchans actually considered calling in a professional killer to wipe her out for stealing their fountainhead of life. The interviewers questioned Sunita on what her most exhilarating outer space experience was. Whether it was the rush of being so far away from a place accepted as home for all of mankind since the beginning of life or the anticipation of the future of space travel or the chance to learn of the possibilities of life on other planets. Sunita Williams pondered over the question for about ten seconds before she replied confidently, “Zero gravity pooping.” She explained in very scientific terms how when she went poo poo in outer space she only had to give the initial gentle push to bring out the doo doo and the rest was taken care of by zero gravity. She stated that it felt almost as if an invisible magician was pulling out a long ribbon of shit out of her craphole.

                 She also admitted that despite all the strain she endured while she was out of earth the technology that NASA offered her did make things slightly better in outer space. One of the most invaluable technological innovations, Sunita said, was the NASA-designed FD chip that was inserted deep into her rectal cavity. The FD chip or the Fart Divert chip operated much like the Call Divert function in a cell phone. Whenever Sunita felt like letting one rip it would get diverted to the bum of another person whose data would be stored in the chip. This technology, NASA explained, helped divert outer space farts to earth consequently reducing space pollution. Another problem that was resolved by NASA’s state of the art science was Sunita’s grooming. Since NASA knew it would tough for Sunita to handle a razor or use wax in outer space they provided her with a scientific grooming equipment known as a diamond saw blade. Using the DSB Sunita, while in outer space, was able to not only successfully remove body hair but also a few layers of skin and tissues thereby putting an end to any further hair growth.

                Sunita also supplied the salivating media with exclusive photographs of the galaxy as viewed from the Atlantis. One of the channels expressed their concern over the authenticity of one outer space photograph which they said looked like an enlarged version of Sunita’s left nipple, which incidentally was pretty damn popular. Sunita also corroborated the fact there were only three things on earth that could be seen from near the moon and other parts of space- the Great Wall of China, Jennifer Lopez’s ass, and Abishek Bachchan’s ego. Sunita Williams promised that this was only the start of her adventures. She would yet again tread bravely into the regions where no ordinary woman would dare go- like the streets of Bangalore after ten o clock, Jack Kevorkian’s bedroom, and George Bush’s head. Before she could answer further questions she was once again struck by a surge of hunger. She twisted her body and buried her head between her legs and began chewing on her clit. Thankfully, the NASA team swooped in to save the day yet again by serving her some cock cutlets.

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