The sun rose yet again to the familiar sight of a large chunk of the Islamic community super pissed at the blatant blasphemies perpetrated by the entire non-Islamic universe against their religion and their Prophet. It seemed as if the rest of the world just refused to show Islam the proper respect and fear that it deserved. One of the greatest enemies of the religion of Islam, apparently, had regained strength. The formidable figure of Salman Rushdie was back and he was sending waves of anger and concern through the Islamic world. And for good reason too; he was balder, he was fatter, he had more of a party mouth than ever, and he still wrote books that people loved to say they enjoyed repeatedly but actually just used to store falling pubic hairs.

                 However, the latest move that the Muhammad-hating rest of the world made against Islam was the bestowal of the prestigious British honor of dildohood upon Salman Rushdie, despite all the sacrilege that he had committed against Islam. By dildoing Rushdie the British Government officially recognized him as one of their most celebrated transvestites. The Queen, on her one hundred and thirtieth birthday, acknowledged Rushdie for successfully being both a dick and a pussy. The dildoing ceremony saw her strap the prestigious silver dildo around the renowned writer’s waist. The four or five self-proclaimed Muslim leaders, spoke, as always, for all the Muslims in the entire world and expressed the deep sense of hurt and disgust that the Islamic sphere was feeling over this calculated move by the British- and the rest of the world- against Islam. After quoting from the Koran they agreed the only noble way to salvage the Prophet’s honor from the fat Rushdie’s clutches was to sever his head and suck the blood out of it. The top Muslim leaders once again delegated the heaven/prison worthy task of beheading Salman Rushdie to their fellow Muslims for whom even reading Tintin took three years.

                Predominantly Muslim countries like Pakistan, Iran, and Bollywood staged elaborately civil protests- burning stuff and screaming obscenities- condemning the strapping of the prestigious silver dildo around Rushdie’s waist. Apparently, they weren’t having enough problems already. Pakistan demanded that that the dildo be withdrawn immediately and warned that if not withdrawn all pretences of cordial relations with Britain would be dropped. They also mentioned that they thought the Queen was just a no good useless old wrinkly slut. After a couple of days of silence the British Government released a statement where they mentioned that while they completely agreed with the Muslims on the queen being a wrinkly slut, they wouldn’t de-dildo Salman Rushdie as that would be taking a step back in the progress of the transvestite rights. The Muslim community was enraged by the audacity of the British Government in directly dishonoring their beloved Prophet. They analyzed that since Prophet Muhammad had been a straight man, this move by the British Government of endorsing transvestites was a direct insult to their religion and tradition. There was only one logical mode of resistance left in their disposal- suicide bombing.

               Support, however, grew incrementally for Rushdie as each hour passed. Asian writers, not living in Asia, voiced their strong support for Salman who taught them that all they had to do to make a lot of money was write a pussy-ass novel on dislocation and other immigrant woes. The Asian Diaspora community then proceeded to crawl up Salman Rushdie’s pale ass and hibernate there until they all received forewords from him for their latest books. The Vatican, too, lent its strong support to Salman Rushdie urging him to keep writing about Islamic orthodoxies. The Vatican, also, lent its support to the Muslim community applauding their passion to give up their own lives to uphold their honor and tradition. They said that most Christians were stupid to continue living happy, satisfied lives without paying much attention to Christ-bashers. The Vatican also extended an offer to protect all young Muslim boys if such a need arose. The Hindu community refused to make any comments on the issue; they were still occupied with hunting down M.F (-ing) Hussain.

                 Inevitably, the situation escalated and the British Government went on an all out war with the entire Muslim population of the world. Thousands of Islamic supporters blew themselves up killing almost thirty-five English men and a chipmunk. The British retaliated by releasing more Hugh Grant-starring romantic comedies into the Islamic world. The second week of the British-Islam war saw the body count rise meteorically. And by the third week both parties were wiped off completely from the phase of the earth. Probably this was what happened to the dinosaurs too. The carnage was catastrophic, the sight horrific. Nothing moved except a few roaches…and a ghostly rotund mass of blubber. It was Salman Rushdie. He had survived the war. He stood in the middle of the ruins, looked around regretfully at what was around him, what was done in his name, and screamed out loud in perfect English, “I wants me some pussy.” As if in response to his cry a figure crawled out from underneath the ruins. It was the Queen. Both Salman and the Queen stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity before Rushdie proceeded to mount the queen and repeatedly stuff her one hundred and thirty year old vagina with his silver dildo. As the two love pigs lay there humping on the rubble, amidst thousands of corpses, their passionate cries echoed through the rest of the free world, “Oh! Your majesty! Oh your majesty!”, “Oh! Sir Salman! Oh! Sir Salman”.

               

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