I’m faced with what you can call a pet quandary,
Let me also mention that my house is not the best sanctuary,
I saw in a pet shop a cute bird that sang to me,
It repeated a few words then turned its back to me,
I’m confused as to what pet I wish to own,
I need something for company when I’m bushed and alone,
I would buy a puppy but I find dogs a little too bumpy,
Once he grows up he will get all clumpy,
And that is something that gets me all jumpy,
More preference I’d attach to owning some kittens,
But they’ll attack with claws leave me running for mittens,
I even know cases where cat lovers have been cunningly bitten,
I still possess those letters that they have in running hand written,
My pet should be cuddly so I can give it hugs,
Should be clean too, free of fleas and bugs,
I would like to know if I could buy a panda cub,
Will it grab your hand away when you hand the grub?
Fishes are too tiny to be hugged and played with,
I once bought some which my pocket money I paid with,
Soon they kicked the bucket; I sold them to a guy named David,
He was this blind boy that my gay neighbor stayed with,
Are there any other choices that I can fix my focus on?
Perhaps I should search for the joys of a locust zone,
One of my friends suggested I get a plump snake,
I’m afraid I’ll get digested by it like a plum cake,
Another woe if I get pets is all the pee and poop,
I want to hug my pet I don’t want to kneel and scoop,
That’s a level to which I don’t need to stoop,
Maybe I should get some chicks and make me some chicken soup,
Help me fix this; I know this whole thing sounds flaky like chicken poop.

                                                                                                       Total Loser, New Delhi.

 Dr. 50 paise replies:

Had to read your letter twice, your dilemma is unique,
I got melted by your cries so I’mma tell you what you need,
If you didn’t fear dogs I’d have suggested getting a pup,
When you sleep off it’ll even help in getting you up,
Size of the dogs seems to bother you,
You despise the fact that they may be all over you,
That’s the price you pay if you want to hug,
Hugs should be given and taken, the dogs don’t intend to bug,
Let’s let the dogs lie, let’s talk now of cats,
You seem to think they are like ghoulish bats,
Waiting for the moment to wave its claws at you,
Hiding in your home so it can closet you,
Most of the cats I’ve seen are harmless creatures,
But the ones you’ve described have some harmful features,
That could very well end you up armless in wheelchairs,
Forget them too if they make you nervous,
Pets are to love us and not to unnerve us,
It won’t work if we feel they don’t deserve us,
Also unlike dogs cats do nothing to serve us,
I’m not sure if you can keep as a pet a panda,
The animal control may suspect a scandal,
And accuse you of being a wildlife vandal,
Totally avoid as pets snakes and insects,
They are things that tend to infect and infest,
Besides I gather you’re looking for something cuddly,
Not something that moves as fast as Jet Li,
Something you can hug but won’t be dying of caresses,
I’m not talking about a group of rhinoceroses,
What you’re missing in your life is a girlfriend,
Assuming it’s not for David that your heart bends,
A sweet girl who’s all fun and party-brained,
And hopefully she’ll be entirely potty-trained