When Hitler topped himself and went to hell, Satan apparently exclaimed, “No way, not this sonofabitch”; when George Bush met a piece of cabbage, the cabbage reportedly said, “You’re telling me that he’s got fewer brain cells than me?”; when crap fell on puke, the latter screamed in horror, “Now that stinks”; but when Mike Tyson stepped into Bollywood, he was welcomed with open arms and covered ears. That’s not much of a surprise since Bollywood is, after all, a little more progressive and receptive when compared to Lucifer, vegetables, and vomit.

                 Actors like Suniel Shetty, Fardeen Khan, Dino Morea, and John Abraham expressed their excitement on Tyson’s entry into Bollywood; they were relieved that, finally, there was a living creature in Bollywood who was capable of emoting lesser than them. Director Madhur Bhandarkar sounded ecstatic when he said that he has already made plans to hang out with Tyson and they would both soon become the best of rape-buddies. Amitabh Bachchan put forth a request to Mike Tyson asking if he could be his lawyer in the land allotment case. Salman Khan, slightly displeased that a new shirtless hero was in town, sent a clear message across by delivering one of his original paintings to Mike Tyson.

                Following Richard Gere’s plight, the Bollywood team who roped in Tyson was cautious enough to give him a comprehensive coaching in Indian Culture and customs. The team explained to Tyson that unlike in America he couldn’t refer to Indian women as “biatches”, “hoes”, “sluts”, “tricks”, or “rides”. Instead he had to allude to them as “bold”, “open-minded”, “independent”, “actresses”, or “feminists”. The Bollywood team also advised Tyson to keep in check his highly pugnacious behavior; they made him understand that fighting in public was not an option in the great nation of India, unless, of course, he was a member of the Parliament.

                The retired boxer has already been flooded with several offers from some of Bollywood’s top directors; Priyadarshan has approached him with juicy roles for three of his next movies, all of which will be strictly plagiarized versions of Malayalam flicks; David Dhawan has requested Tyson to do the leading role in his next movie “Lady Assaulter Number 1”; and Mahesh Bhatt, working on a new autobiographical movie, has offered Tyson the chance to be the Bhatt double in his younger days when he was more buffed and slurred lesser. Tyson is also slated to play a negative role in the sequel to Krrish, where he’ll appear as Krrish’s arch nemesis Miiike.  

                On the other side of the world, Tyson’s fans and friends expressed dissent over his relatively effeminate move of climbing aboard the Bollywood ship. Tyson, however, assured Indian movie buffs that he would not be perturbed by any negative comments from America or anywhere else in the world. He also said that his friends and fans in the west would stop calling him emasculating names and stop casting doubts over his sexuality once he comes out with his new Karan Johar movie.

                 Tyson’s addition to Bollywood is definitely a blessing in disguise¾a very ugly disguise but a disguise nevertheless. With scripts lifted shamelessly from Hollywood movies and Tyson’s brawny acting skills there’s no telling how far Hindi Cinema will go. Tyson is guaranteed to be a knockout as long as he takes care to not get himself involved in any scandals. On a totally different issue, Mahima Chowdhury’s advanced sonogram reports have arrived and apparently her baby is half black and is reported by doctors to be packing one hell of a left hook.

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