I wasn’t going to say anything about it because she’s crazy-hot and he’s…well, he’s Tyler Durden. And I figured they deserved their share of eccentricities. But when I heard that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were planning to adopt for the fourth time, something within me-I think it was the pasta that I ate-told me that there was more to this than what met the eye. Couples who were as rich as them didn’t just adopt children to raise them as their own; they weren’t crows, for crying out loud (you see, crows sometimes raise baby cuckoos thinking that they gave birth to them). Anyway, I had to get to the bottom of this; and I decided to do the only sane thing that would help me expose what was really happening here-I decided to go undercover as a Chinese baby, get adopted by Angelina Jolie, and, consequently gain access to the innards of their scheme.

                 After rubbing enough chili powder in my eyes, learning to walk on my knees, and mastering how to talk like I had a bunch of live kittens inside my stomach I was ready to take up the mission. I crawled into one of Angelina’s shooting sets and succeeded in getting her attention. I immediately intrigued her since I was naked and it was a proven fact that anything naked intrigued Angelina Jolie; she approached me, picked me up, and checked my authenticity by turning me over and examining my ass. After she saw the “Made in China” seal that was neatly labeled over my ass cheeks she was satisfied and before I knew it I was the newest member of the Jolie-Pitt household. I was named Chitty-chitty-bang-bang-Pitt.

                One of the perks that I hoped to get when I took up this dangerous mission was the opportunity to suck on my adopted mother’s gorgeous titties. I began to bawl in Chinese with the intention of letting Mama Jolie know that it was time to feed me. As she approached me I prepared myself for the most beautiful sight that I would, without a doubt, ever see in my life. However, instead of taking out her titties and sticking them in my mouth she pressed a button on the wall as if to summon someone. Then I realized what was happening-she was summoning a pair of stand-in titties; Mama Jolie had hired surrogate boobs that matched the nationality of each of her adopted children. At that moment I understood that the only tiny creature that crapped his pants all the time with the fortune to suckle Angelina Jolie’s titties was her own blood child-and also Billy Bob Thornton. I thought to myself, ‘what the hell, at least, I’ll get to suck on some Chinese knockers.’ But I realized I had thought too soon. Since the only pair of legitimate Chinese titties were busy on the sets of Grey’s Anatomy Mama Jolie had summoned the next most popular set of mammaries with a Chinese origin-Chow Yung Fat’s fat hung boobs. I had to think fast-my life, and my heterosexuality, was at stake here. As I racked my brains to plot an escape strategy I saw Chow Yung Fat taking a bow, which was apparently something all Chinese people did before shoving their breasts into someone’s mouth; my time was running out. However, thanks to my spastic hand gestures and hostile baby behavior I communicated to Mama Jolie that I didn’t want any breast milk and I would, instead, settle for a can of Pepsi. I was safe, for now.

                 I grasped the hazards of staying in the Pitt-Jolie household and realized I had to find the truth about the rapid adoption operation that was in effect without further protraction. One day, after making sure that nobody was home I began checking all the rooms to look for clues. I checked everywhere and everything-Angelina’s panty drawers, her bra shelves, her bathroom, her gym, her laundry, and did I mention her panty drawers? But I couldn’t find anything. Maybe she genuinely cared; maybe she and Brad were actually the only two Hollywood stars who honestly had some compassion for other people. That’s when I noticed a huge nude portrait of Angelina in one room; I paced over to that room and lovingly ran my one hand over the painting. Then, suddenly, with an eerie sound the wall began to split, revealing what seemed to be a secret room filled with computers, maps, and other sophisticated equipments.

                After spending about one hour studying the room I finally comprehended what was happening; I was right all along; they had ulterior motives behind their unstoppable adopting spree. Their intention was sinister and true to Hollywood: they desired world domination. Angelina and Brad Pitt were adopting babies from all around the world in order to start a new United Nations Organization, which would one day rule over the entire world; they were gradually building up the most vicious army in the world. They had already conquered Cambodia, Ethiopia, Vietnam, and America. I couldn’t let them fool the world any longer; I had to tell the world. But when I turned around I realized I was too late. I was met with the cold, malicious smirks of Angelina, Brad, and their thug/jugs-provider, Chow Yung Fat. Before I could even start to react I felt a flying fist making contact with my temple as I blacked out.

               Fifteen months later, I’m still imprisoned in that dark, uninhabited place where they locked me up after they captured me. The outside world is nothing more than a surreal concept for me now; human contact, an improbable dream. I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy the blueness of the sky again; I wonder if I’ll ever see the twinkling of the stars again. Well, that sounds next to impossible when I’m trapped here inside Chow Yung Fat’s murky vagina.

Advertisements