If you ever decide to pray to God for an untimely death make sure you specify that the venue should be, in all probability, Jamaica; sure, you might get your decomposing corpse violated by a bunch of Bob Marley fans-which, let’s face the facts, could happen anywhere in the world-but, at least you’ll be send off to the netherworld with the best possible police investigation that you could ever get. And that’s a fact, goddamnit!

                About three months ago, when Bob Woolmer, the Cricket coach of the 2007 Pakistani World Cup team, was found dead in his hotel room the first thought that came running to the minds of cricket fans all over the world, especially Indians, was: “This is a direct repercussion of what happens when players get too many endorsement deals. Goddamnit, it’s sickening.” Bob Woolmer’s friends and family naturally assumed that it was either the pressure of losing to a shitty team like Ireland or eating the Jamaican Jerk Chicken that did the Pakistani coach in. After almost forty minutes of mourning, the world crutched forward to resume its normalcy by watching more TV. However, the Jamaican Police Team headed by top Detective Mark Shields had other ideas. After rigorous rounds of crime scene investigation-that included eating a lot of fried chicken, which was the Jamaican equivalent of doughnuts, and making a bunch of blatantly obvious statements like “Goddamnit, he has no breath!” and “Goddamnit, he’s chubby!”-the Jamaican Police released their finding in big bold letters: Bob Woolmer was murdered.

                The first concrete clue was the dream that Detective Mark Shields had one afternoon, while he was on duty, where he saw an African man dressed in nothing but a leaf thong. In his dream the man said to the Detective: “Makaakka, pookaka, oorr, bong” which translated into English meant, “Lick my African ass, you stupid white boy.” Years of experience as a detective told Mark Shields that the dream could only mean two things. Either Bob Woolmer was murdered or that must have been some really twisted gay porn that he watched the previous night when he was drunk. He decided to go with the former.

                 The first lead that the Jamaican Police received was a pen that they found from Bob Woolmer’s hotel room. After days of forensic tests, the Jamaican lab concluded that the pen was made in China. Immediately, Detective Mark Shields called a press conference. With weighed words, and pouted lips, he said at the press conference: “We have got some major clues regarding Bob’s murder. The pen that we found from his apartment is a significant lead in the case. We now know two things about the killer. One: he is from China. Two: he likes to write.”

                 However, once the toxicology report came, the entire scenario changed. The report, which showed that Bob Woolmer was actually poisoned by a rare mixture of donkey semen and pig blood, completely altered the path of the investigation. Detective Mark Shields called another press conference. He said: “The latest developments in the case have shown that the murderer is not a Chinese writer. Just think about it: donkeys and pigs. Now, which country has both these animals? That’s right, Pakistan. Now, I’m not suggesting anything until we get more conclusive evidence but seriously, donkeys and pigs, and Pakistanis hate pigs, strange coincidence, isn’t it?”

                  But the case took yet another twist when the Jamaican Police Team acquired the CCTV footage from the hotel. The video, which was, actually, secret footage from the hotel’s honeymoon suite got the Detective’s brain to start working again. It wasn’t long before he put the pieces together. Immediately, he called a press conference: “The video footage has completely turned around the case. Bob Woolmer was not just murdered. He was raped and then murdered. I’ll find whoever is responsible for this heinous yet strangely erotic crime. Goddamnit, I will!”

               The investigation was already into its third month and Detective Shields was being pressured by higher authorities to settle the case once and for all. Everyone wanted an answer; everyone wanted the truth, goddamnit! One day, as Detective Shields slid into a deep sleep watching yet another gay porn video, the African man in the leaf thong appeared in his dream again. This time he had conclusive proof to give the Detective. As soon as the African man stopped talking, the Detective exploded into consciousness. “Of course, how could I not see that!” he told himself as he hurried to call another press conference. Media from all over the world was there; cricketers were watching, fans were watching, Woolmer’s friends and family were watching; the Jamaican Police had the biggest breakthrough yet in the case. Detective Shields took the microphone again: “All this time we were being mislead by red herrings that was planted to divert us from the real killer. The pen, the donkey semen, the pig blood, the video footage, everything; they were all meant to divert us from the real culprit. Just think about it: the killer is nowhere to be found, almost like he’s extinct; he had to have been much bigger in size than Bob to overpower him; he definitely raped Bob for pure pleasure above anything else; and the biggest clue was that the killer had to have been someone from Bob’s deepest past.”

                The whole world held their breath as Detective Mark Shields revealed the truth: “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Pakistani Coach Bob Woolmer, who was born in India, and who lived in South Africa and played for the same country was murdered by none other than…a sexually deviant dinosaur.”

Goddamnit!

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