THE SEVEN WONDERS OF INDIA Saturday, Jun 30 2007 

                Until sometime back my nighttime schedule was short and simple. I watched Shakira videos, beat my meat, and then went to sleep dreaming of impregnating her. However, I was, recently, forced to make a slight change in my nighttime schedule. The altered agenda was: watch Shakira videos, massage my Mt. Everest, say a ten-minute prayer, and then go to sleep dreaming of impregnating Shakira. Unlike in my childhood days, the prayer wasn’t aimed at having my school bombed or my teachers buried alive or my relatives skewered. I had matured a lot since those days. I knew all I had to do was search the Internet for ultra cool ways to murder people. The reason I prayed after rubbing my rhombus and before going to sleep was something totally different. I yearned to uphold our country’s pride and rich cultural heritage in front of the rest of the world. I desired to make India appear tourism-worthy to stupid retarded white-ass foreigners. I prayed in order to make sure the Taj Mahal wouldn’t get voted out of the new seven wonders list.

                 The whole nation is getting jittery because the Taj Mahal was the one thing that had always made India appealing to the rest of the universe. Even when some countries couldn’t agree to our strict moral code of banning and condemning everything that even slightly referred to the authenticity of religions or historical figures while secretly promoting prostitution, sex rackets, communal riots, bigotry, pornography, and violence against women they all openly welcomed the fact that the Taj Mahal was a wondrous monument and an unequivocal symbol of love. Without the Taj Mahal being officially one of the seven wonders India would be just a smelly country with a handful of filthy rich millionaires, billions of sick, depressed call center employees and software engineers, and a seriously “we’ve-got-our-heads-so-far-up-our-asses-that-we-can-lick-our-tonsils” family called the Bachchans whom everybody knows they’re supposed to say they like but aren’t quite sure why.

                  Some Indians were of the opinion that India was paying too much attention to get accepted into the New Seven Wonders List. They believed that when hundreds and thousands of Indians were dying every month of various reasons like poverty, diseases, and border violence the value that was being ascribed to the Taj Mahal was undeserved. Afterwards, when they ran out of things to say and do the group randomly assaulted college professors and assailed artists and writers. It was then that everybody realized that it was merely the Shiv Sena and the RSS trying to not have a Muslim monument as the biggest attraction in a purely Hindu country. They demanded that, instead, a Hindu monument should be named as the country’s biggest treasure. Maybe something like the Imax theatre in Mumbai. Or Bal Thackeray’s house.

                 Even if the New Seven Wonders Committee excludes the Taj from their list we have to learn to value our national possessions and talk about them at every single occasion so that people get so sick of it they’ll visit the Taj Mahal just to jump from the top of it. What most of us don’t realize is that the Taj Mahal is just one of the brilliant wonders that exist in our country. There are innumerous wonders that overwhelm different parts of our country that it’s hard to make a list of them. However, I have managed to narrow down seven of our country’s greatest wonders.

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF INDIA

Wonder # 7: Bollywood

                  Possibly the most popular movie industry in the world next to Hollywood. But the reason why it’s included in the seven wonders of India list is because not a single living breathing Indian knows why it’s so popular. Overflowing with untalented actors, directors, and scriptwriters Bollywood is equivalent to a group of monkeys imitating what they see Hollywood do, and that too imitate it really badly. It’s nothing short of a wonder how actors like Fardeen Khan, Suniel Shetty, Amisha Patel, John Abraham, Shahid Kapoor, and Bipasha Basu to name a few are still thriving in the industry. It’s nothing short of a wonder that people would pay money to see these spoiled assfaces put on pathetic displays of what they call acting.

Wonder # 6: Dowry

                The wondrous procedure by which a woman is sold to a man by her family where the money is paid by the woman’s family to the man. Now that’s what you call a bad bargain when you part with valuable pussy and end up paying for it. Still, the wonder is that even in the twenty first century it exists and continues to grow stronger.

Wonder # 5: Hansika Motwani

                 With tits that can give you a cardiac arrest, an ass that can bring world peace, and a face that can keep a sperm bank going for years, Hansika Motwani is just sixteen years old. Now, salivating after a sixteen-year-old girl is obviously an inappropriate thing to do but she’s a living breathing sex-oozing monument of beauty who deserves to be described as a true hormonal wonder.

Wonder # 4: Himesh Reshammiya

                 One of the very few singers in the country who gets paid to make sounds similar to a giraffe getting a cordless phone shoved up its ass. Others like Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle have had to strain for centuries before they reached where the capped-wonder Himesh has reached in a matter of few months.

Wonder # 3: Ayesha Takia’s boobs

                 Are they two planets trapped inside her blouse? Is it God’s way of letting us take a sneak preview of what heaven is like? Are they not the two most essential things a man needs for his survival other than food and water? Filled with the power to raise the genitals of even a dead man, Ayesha Takia’s boobs are undoubtedly the greatest twin towers ever into which anyone would love to fly their airplane into.

Wonder # 2: Indian Politics

                Filled with both educated and uneducated cock-squeezers, the Indian Political Arena is awe-inspiring both for its complete refusal to give a shit about the welfare of the people and the absolute desire to pile up as much money as possible while promising people whatever they want to hear. Although Indian Politics resemble other countries in those aspects they hold their own when it comes to crime, corruption, and intolerance. In all which way possible, the field of Indian Politics is truly a wonder.

Wonder # 1: Kashmir

                  A piece of shit-ass unproductive land that is perpetually filled with snow and does not mean crap to any thinking individual in either India or Pakistan. No matter how many billions of bullets are fired and how many thousands liters of blood are spilled Kashmir will forever remain an infected cork up the asses of both India and Pakistan. The wonder of Kashmir lies in the fact that everyone hears about how much India wants it to be ours but frankly speaking who would want to acquire a piece of shit like that which has cost our country so much, both in money and lives? Kashmir is the greatest shared wonder in our country that is often called the paradise on Earth but is actually nothing but a fucking graveyard where your nipples get pointy faster than a stranger can guess Karan Johar’s sexuality.

THE WRESTLEMANIAC Friday, Jun 29 2007 

                The shroud of sadness that was spread last Sunday over billions of people has not yet been lifted. The world saw the passing of a truly heroic individual who had captured the hearts of everyone around him. That dark Sunday marked the end of the significant life of one of the greatest fighters ever, both in professional and personal life: World Wrestling Entertainment star, Chris Benoit. Everyone who knew him described him as a thorough professional, but above all Benoit was etched in the hearts of his friends and family as a good human being. His wife, Nancy, and his seven-year-old mentally challenged son, Daniel, however, were unavailable to make comments on Chris Benoit’s death. Mainly because the compassionate wrestling hero had murdered them both with his bare hands before killing himself.

                The most distressing fact although is the number of morbidly perverse people out there who’re trying to tarnish this solemn Benoit family occasion of double homicide suicide by bringing up accusations of Chris Benoit being a victim of “roid rage”. Our society has become so addicted to stereotyping people that every time a person having abnormally large muscles with veins the size of portable computers comes on screen, they naturally assume he’s buffed up with the assistance of steroids. The World Wrestling Entertainment and other athletes in the wrestling business are of the opinion that the very theory of “roid rage” is baseless even though they deny furiously taking steroids at any point in their lives. They strongly believe that the linking of this crazy theory and the perfectly natural double homicide suicide story of Benoit is part of a much larger controversy propagated by the SNL team in yet another attempt to tarnish the respectability of the wrestling business. The SNL team, or the Scrawny Nerds League, according to the WWE, is a group of skinny douchebags who, try as hard as they might, can never put on body mass at the same rate as the professional wrestlers. Hence, they develop a feeling of jealously which generate in them a need to make up shitty stuff connecting wrestlers and steroids.

                 Regarding Chris Benoit’s general disposition both the WWE and its chairman, Vince McMahon, maintained that he was a mild-mannered individual who never showed signs of any kind of violence. Well, except for beating up people to pulp, hitting them with chairs, jumping off ladders and head butting them on their sternums, and twisting their heads so far behind their back that they would pass out of pain. But then again, which professional sportsman didn’t do that these days? Benoit’s toothless smile, resulting from a bloody brutal brawl, was something that brought warmth and enthusiasm to others, reported some of Benoit’s colleagues namely the Animal and the Dead Man. There was no way anyone could have known that Chris Benoit, nicknamed the Rabid Wolverine, had any element of aggression residing in him. The WWE also stated that Benoit, though melancholic most of the time, could not be described as suicidal since this was the first and only time that he had committed suicide.

                Police reports said that Chris Benoit may have used his trademark finishing maneuver, “the Crippler Cross face”, on his son to stifle him to death. Wrestling enthusiasts remarked that it only served to prove how much passion Benoit had for the wrestling business. Some even speculated that knowing Benoit’s resilient gene pool, his seven-year-old son who suffered from Fragile X syndrome, might not have tapped out to his father’s submission maneuver. After all he was the son of a man who was all heart. Benoit’s wife, who was obviously weaker owing to her sex, submitted to “the Crippler Cross face” as soon as her neck broke. Benoit then proceed to kill himself by swallowing a dumbbell and watching recorded episodes of Crumbs. Placed next to the corpses of his wife and son were two copies of the Bible, which was technically the only possible loophole for Benoit to get into heaven. The Pope, on hearing this, stated that he talked Jesus out of taking Benoit in since this act of Benoit was a desecration of the Holy Bible and that for his sins, Benoit would be reborn in his next life as a call center employee in India.

                Several wrestlers expressed their shock on the mind-boggling incident. They all felt bewildered on learning that Chris Benoit had copies of the Bible. As far as they knew, the only thing he could read was names of painkillers. Hulk Hogan, a few days back, made a bold statement when he supported controlled steroid use. According to Hogan, his entire family used steroids and they all did just fine. Except for the small side effect that happened with his daughter Brooke where she grew testicles in the side of her neck. And his son who developed pussy lips on his forehead. Hogan, much like the rest of the wrestling world, supported WWE and said that the increasing number of early deaths in the business was not due to drug use of any kind. He would be a hundred and thirty three next year. Hogan instead believed the early deaths to be an aftermath of global warming.

                As bizarrely discomforting as Benoit’s death was and as large a part of the business as he was, the WWE should not be burdened with the sins of this monstrous man, exclaimed Vince McMahon. There was even speculation that Benoit’s ex-friend Eddie Guerrero may have been behind Benoit’s death, creating the double homicide suicide scenario as a set up for something way more sinister. However, the speculation was abandoned after people remembered that Eddie Guerrero had died a couple of years back owing to a steroid related heart failure.

                The WWE used to and, still do sometimes, show clips of wrestlers telling viewers at home not to imitate at home the moves that they do. Chris Benoit, too, was in a similar video explaining to viewers how much pain it was to actually do what he and his colleagues did. He advised WWE fans to never imitate at home what they saw on TV. In a touching tribute to Chris Benoit, the WWE fans from all around the world chanted in unison in an attempt to summarize Benoit’s life and career, “Practice what you preach, motherfucker.”

50 PAISE vs F.R.I.E.N.D.S Thursday, Jun 28 2007 

(Created by 50 paise in his younger, immature days before he became a responsible doctor with his very own advice column):

Six people who are everything to each other, Hi we’re friends
Fuck that shit homie, that show ain’t even worth four cents
That fuckin series made it big for four reasons
Courtney and Aniston’s perky tits in the first four seasons
Friends is nothing but an audience screwer
You can find better humor in a fuckin sewer
Ain’t no friends like that in real life
All that forgivness and love is just mere hype
I hate that bitch Kudrow, the one who plays Phoebe
That slut is so horny she gave her chair a freebie
Her pussy craves dicks screaming come feel me
And her tits throbbing inside her bra yelling come free me
Monica the sexy bitch played by Courtney Cox
She’s no actress she just likes throating cocks
Fuck that lame Ross N Rachel on-off love storyline
Hell with that nerd Rach he’s just a sorry guy
Come over to my place and spend a night with da paise Aniston
I’ll fuck you so good, then let you lick my megasize piston
Die Matt le Blanc along with your bitch Matthew Perry
They are so flamin they plucked each other’s cherry
These motherfuckers and bitches waste our fuckin time
They earn millions, we’re left without a dime
Split your dough with us you wrinkled fuckers for making you famous
You cocksuckers ain’t nothin but half a dozen jerkoffs who’re lameass
You bastards think that I want you to be there for me?
Unload your wallets homies let’s see if you got some spare for me
And you three bitches, all I want you to do is just bare for me
I’m glad that stupid shit show is off the air
Only thing worse than FRIENDS would be watchin Tony Blair fuck Cher
All you motherfuckers are gone though it took you ten years
I couldn’t enjoy a moment of the show even if i had had ten beers
So Fuck all friends TV show and real ones
I’mma shoot everyone up with my dear guns!!

50 PAISE vs GEORGE W. BUSH Wednesday, Jun 27 2007 

(Created by 50 paise in his younger, immature days before he became a responsible doctor with his very own advice column):

There’s nothing worth talkin or knowin ‘bot George Bush
Except one of his daughters who i know has got a large tush
How can such a fuckin moron be the President?
He’s so dumb he fucked his wife in the nose thinkin it was her pussy end
I hate his very sight and the sound of his voice
That motherfucker is more gay than Jacko with all his boys
Are the Americans so fuckin stupid that they can’t see it?
Fuck I can make better speeches than him even if I pee it
Bush’s just a bitchass fag waging wars for his dear ol dad
A bitter fucker who got fucked in the rear so bad
He let a bunch of lame motherfuckers burn the twin towers
Instead of takin care of his people he and Blair were in the shower
On 9/11 he wanted to say Oh God but he mispronounced and said damn!
Osama fucked his country but that stupid fuck went after Saddam
He could care less ‘bot what happens to all his fuckin people
He would have been kicked out if the Americans weren’t so fuckin feeble
Bill Clinton blew his load with a whore and he got impeached
Bush is blowing up countries and look where he’s reached
That dicksucker don’t even know how to eat a fuckin pretzel
His shrivelled up brain is smaller than a fuckin nutshell
That motherfuckin prick sucks KKK dick,he’s a fuckin racist
He’s screwed over minorities more times than Cher’s got facelifts
He should resign, marry Blair, be his wife, and choose the right blouse
He’s fucked so many blacks in the ass he’s turnin the whole country into a White House
I hope he fuckin dies and burns to ashes in hell
Or trip and fall over into a motherfuckin well
‘Cuz of his stupid fuckin ego thousands of soldiers are being killed
If he wants a war let him go fight it himself and get drilled
He’s sending his army to screw over innocent victims
If he wants Saddam’s dick he should go and hit him
Leave the people alone you motherfuckin pussy
What’s your compulsive need to blow up everything you see?
Fuck you, Bush! Fuck you to hell get the fuck out of this world with ur Texan dick
You make the Blacks, Whites, Spanish, Asians, and the Mexicans sick
Everybody wants you dead you’re nothing but a fuckin phoney
50 paise will slit your throat so go home while you can homie!!

50 PAISE vs BRITNEY SPEARS Tuesday, Jun 26 2007 

(Created by 50 paise in his younger, immature days before he became a responsible doctor with his very own advice column):

This is a lyric celebrating a woman’s beauty,
Elaborating on a cutie’s boobs and bootie,
There maybe a million round tits and rears,
But ain’t none tighter than those of Britney Spears,
Oh!Just saying her name leaves me with an erection,
Download a picture of her,my dick loses direction,
Even impotent guys jackoff to her,she causes resurrection,
She has a place in my heart, in the ‘wanna-screw-you’ section’,
If there’s anybody’s ass I’d suck it’s surely Britney’s,
Let me chew your nipples,here’s 20bucks,consider it tit-fees,
Don’t get me wrong,I dig her songs,voice and all,
I thought she did a nice job in that video rock and roll,
Only she’d do a better job swallowing my cock and balls,
She’s reached the point where she need sing no more,
Let the music run,drop the top and spin like a whore,
She’s ever the same, it don’t matter if she’s rich,
She was never so tame, she was always a bitch,
Sometimes i wanna get mean behind her and hit that baby one more time,
Would’ve screwed her ass when she was sixteen if it had not been a crime,
She messes with our minds exposing those abs,
I’ve run out of money,now websites are taking my tabs,
That bitch should just quit this posing,stop making us gape,
Either go kill herself or release her sextape,
If she ever lets me our relationship will move on to rape,
Since she’s letting me rape,the law cant catch me,ill easily escape,
When she closes her eyes and bites her lips,
My cock loses it all and emerges despite flops and flips,
Just take into your mouth Britney,yeah just drink it,
Imagine it’s a microphone,suck it and lip sync it,
Dance away and come to me, let me smell your sweat,
Hop around on my dick let me make you wet,
I’m telling you babe,i’m good,infact the best you’ll ever get,
My dick is bigger than ur grammies,come on let’s make a bet,
If I lose i’ll come to your toilet and watch you piss,
If u lose you’ll let me have a threesome with you and your sis!!

ASK DR. 50 PAISE # 4 Monday, Jun 25 2007 

Just a few weeks ago my life seemed perfect
Loved to live, never wanted to forfeit
Never thought about death or about my coffin
But I’m popping pills and spending my time coughin’
In my twenty five years I’ve never felt like I lacked an answer
Until the moment when I was told I’m being attacked by cancer
My family’s devastated and my life has come to a halt
Am I to blame God? With who am I supposed to find fault
All that I ever lived for has suddenly just slipped out
I’ve been reduced to nothing; I’m totally insane and flipped out
I wish God would just tell me what I did to deserve this fate
I have only loved and never ever worked to serve hate
It feels like hell when I’m awake and hell when I’m sleeping
All the people I love are either pitiful or weeping
Screw all the morals and principles I lived by
I’m through with abhorring sins; I’m left with no alibi
There is nothing in front except a void
I’m filled with a disrespect I can’t avoid
Will God tell me what I did to receive this?
I look around and see happy cheats and deceivers
Walking around enjoying life with no diseases
I’m left with a crying wife whose life is split into pieces
My heart is bleeding and my pain never ceases
Thwarted breathing, why can’t you save me oh Jesus?
My treatment is just for some time, say all of the doctors
I’ll be soon rendered helpless, why does death have to mock us?
An unhindered life needs only very little time to shock us
We can never predict what is there in store for us
But I know for a fact that life is indeed torturous
Could be even tomorrow that I end up in a mortuary
When I was young I thought there was a burning torch for me
But now it’s been put out yet the infernal heat is scorching me
All this undeserved pain and shattered dreams I could have endured
Why is my family too being battered and deeply injured?
If only God had let me know this two years ago
My lovely wife wouldn’t have been fated to shed tears alone
My heart breaks further when I think of my mother and father
Two people who thought I’d reach greatness and even farther
Here I am now sobbing and counting my days
The cancer in me robbing the sun’s rays
I’m now convinced destiny has nothing to do with one’s ways
It doesn’t matter if you’re into peace or into gunplay
Some are forced to leave and some to just stay
Life will slip from you whether you cuss or pray
Nothing’s left for me except pain and dismay
I wish I was never born in the first place
I’m going to die clueless in this deathly maze
Death awaits me around the corner with a cold gaze
As a child I never thought I’d never see old age
I’m about to leave this book of life like a torn page
I placed in God all my trust to ensure my safety
Not knowing in my case he would be so hasty
He didn’t even let me know of my purpose
Instead left me to suffer like a rotten carcass
My heart beats no more and there remains a cold sore
People like fishes swimming to the ocean’s roars
I’ll soon be buried unnoticed in the depths of the muddy shores. 
                                                                      

                                                                        No Hope, Bombay.

Dr. 50 paise replies:

I won’t try to sound absurd by saying I know what you’re feeling
We all have experienced hard times when our lives were reeling
But what you’re going through right now is far too personal
For anybody to demand that you be calm and act rational
Cancer is doubtlessly one of the world’s biggest curses
Into dejection and misery its victims it immerses
Life suddenly twists contrary to what one rehearses
Shattering dreams and the lives that each person nurses
But God is not unfair and he’s not a punisher
He’s the loving father and not a cruel admonisher
Difficulties come our way as little tests of faith
Life for everyone is a fierce struggle with fate
Cancer however can’t be termed as just another hurdle
It scars one’s vision with pits and blurred hills
It’s unknown to this world the plans that the Lord makes
But he has a reason for every single life that he takes
Everything around may seem it has changed for the worst
But a strong heart filled with faith should replace the outbursts
Prayers have been proved to create great miracles
Sincere pleas will help break manacles
Easy it is to have faith when the sky is clear
But the test really is when the dark night is here
Your life has not become a symbol of insignificance
Life becomes death when your interior thickens
They could have all the money in the world
Bathe in gold, rubies, diamonds, and pearls
But you’re surrounded by people who care for you
Ones who’d die for you and be there for you
Don’t think the time till now has been wasted hours
Life is a tree that grows through dry days and days of showers
Filled with fruits so sweet and some that tastes so sour
Bliss and agony goes together like the fate of lovers
Beliefs and strength are never to be let go of
God is capable of wonders one can never know of
Do not treat these lines as if they’re lines of false hope
God is your balance when you’re walking life’s tight rope
The heights you wanted you say haven’t been reached
The promises you made yourself you say have been breached
Greatness isn’t measured by your riches or fame
Nor does it matter how many people recognize your name
What’s real are the hearts and lives you touch
The tears that you catch which you deem not much
The broken lives you support by being their crutch
Give yourself up to God and he’ll take away your pains
An honest man always suffers more than one who feigns
Clean hands are fewer than ones with bloodstains
Goodness sustains life and not merely food grains
Clear your mind and focus on all that you have done
You’ll realize your real journey has just begun
It’s leaving God’s Earth with a clear conscience that’s the purpose
Spreading love and joy that can never be surplus
Leaving other people’s lives better urges God to help us
To the rich and famous life is nothing but a circus
Fire and noise adorned with moments of fake sparkles
Meaningless existence living out your flesh
Meanwhile real life exists outside this mesh
Finding your self and finding the almighty Lord
Resort to the feather and abandon the sword
Pray your heart out and search for the answer
Your soul and spirit will never succumb to the cancer
Leave your worries and submit to prayers
For those who trust have a place up the heavenly stairs.

THE ADVENTURES OF SPACE BITCH SUNITA Sunday, Jun 24 2007 

               Americans say she’s one of their own; Indians claim she’s their most treasured sister; women all over the world, regardless of their geographical differences, accept her as their shiniest star; ugly people hail her name as the greatest source of inspiration to come out of their community since Whoopi Goldberg. Regardless of where she really belongs Sunita Williams is definitely considered out of this world right now.

                 A lot of people, especially some of us patriotic Indians, prayed till we bled out of our urinary tracts so that this hitherto unheard of space bitch could make it back to earth safely. And God, who knew that prayer-induced internal bleeding occurred only when the supplication was sincere, made sure Sunita Williams returned to her planet unscathed except for the bite marks on her labia majora, which were self inflicted owing to the shortage of fish n chips towards the fag end of her journey. The Indian President, Abdul Kalam, welcomed Sunita by personally entering the Atlantis and greeting her. The missile man spent about an hour inside Sunita’s cockpit and wondered at the capaciousness of the region. He also proposed the idea of one day having Sunita take control of his missiles and raising it to an altitude of at least seven inches, let alone outer space. Sunita responded by stating that she was starving and attempted to perform more acts of self-cannibalization on her vulva before NASA stopped her in time by feeding her some penis kebabs.

                Hearing the media extol the courage and determination of Sunita in surviving trying conditions and living inside an air-conditioned space craft with treadmill, refrigerator, computers, scrabble, dildos, and Charlie Chaplin tapes, some fishermen and soldiers requested that their stories of staring death in its face every moment of their lives be reported on television as well. The leading news channels promised the soldiers and fishermen that they would definitely run their stories. However, they would first have to bring three things to the media: the beating heart of a Stegosaurus, the blood of a two hundred year old Chinese prostitute, and a picture of Paris Hilton wearing any form of underwear.

                The number of jobless kiss-ass interviewers smothering Sunita Williams was so overwhelming that the Bachchans actually considered calling in a professional killer to wipe her out for stealing their fountainhead of life. The interviewers questioned Sunita on what her most exhilarating outer space experience was. Whether it was the rush of being so far away from a place accepted as home for all of mankind since the beginning of life or the anticipation of the future of space travel or the chance to learn of the possibilities of life on other planets. Sunita Williams pondered over the question for about ten seconds before she replied confidently, “Zero gravity pooping.” She explained in very scientific terms how when she went poo poo in outer space she only had to give the initial gentle push to bring out the doo doo and the rest was taken care of by zero gravity. She stated that it felt almost as if an invisible magician was pulling out a long ribbon of shit out of her craphole.

                 She also admitted that despite all the strain she endured while she was out of earth the technology that NASA offered her did make things slightly better in outer space. One of the most invaluable technological innovations, Sunita said, was the NASA-designed FD chip that was inserted deep into her rectal cavity. The FD chip or the Fart Divert chip operated much like the Call Divert function in a cell phone. Whenever Sunita felt like letting one rip it would get diverted to the bum of another person whose data would be stored in the chip. This technology, NASA explained, helped divert outer space farts to earth consequently reducing space pollution. Another problem that was resolved by NASA’s state of the art science was Sunita’s grooming. Since NASA knew it would tough for Sunita to handle a razor or use wax in outer space they provided her with a scientific grooming equipment known as a diamond saw blade. Using the DSB Sunita, while in outer space, was able to not only successfully remove body hair but also a few layers of skin and tissues thereby putting an end to any further hair growth.

                Sunita also supplied the salivating media with exclusive photographs of the galaxy as viewed from the Atlantis. One of the channels expressed their concern over the authenticity of one outer space photograph which they said looked like an enlarged version of Sunita’s left nipple, which incidentally was pretty damn popular. Sunita also corroborated the fact there were only three things on earth that could be seen from near the moon and other parts of space- the Great Wall of China, Jennifer Lopez’s ass, and Abishek Bachchan’s ego. Sunita Williams promised that this was only the start of her adventures. She would yet again tread bravely into the regions where no ordinary woman would dare go- like the streets of Bangalore after ten o clock, Jack Kevorkian’s bedroom, and George Bush’s head. Before she could answer further questions she was once again struck by a surge of hunger. She twisted her body and buried her head between her legs and began chewing on her clit. Thankfully, the NASA team swooped in to save the day yet again by serving her some cock cutlets.

ASK DR. 50 PAISE # 3 Saturday, Jun 23 2007 

Let me just start with a solid strong fact
This is not one of those stolid wrong stats
At least twelve times a day they say I’m just too fat
What the hell am I to do? Even my pals shout out ‘Who’s that?’
I’ve tried it all, all the books and the fast diets,
It’s all lies and now it looks like I’m past light,
I’m the heaviest thing and when I worry I get doubly hungry,
I’ll drink the gravy or curry or my tongue just runs dry,
The other day I almost swallowed a plastic orange,
My brother, Jay, stopped me with a drastic low punch,
People find it funny they laugh at my ecstatic slow munch,
Call me names when I’m consuming my fantastic-four lunch,
Burgers, Pizzas, Sandwiches and hot dogs with extra cheese,
These four items I cannot hog but with textbook ease,
Next one please, it’s all I can ever think of, I want to eat it all up,
But in the process I’ve messed it all up,
My friends, they don’t even meet or call up,
They think I’m happier to eat meat or a dollop
Of cream, I just want to scream, trapped in a bad dream,
I thought that they were always in my team,
But it seems like they feel I lack self-esteem,
Please help me, send me at least a single light beam,
Is it such a nasty black spot to be too obese?
Why are they swarming on me like a pack o’ bees?
It’s not my fault that I’ll die for a Mac n Cheese,
I cannot vault my feelings; they come back n tease,
So what do you suggest? Any exercise or diet plans?
Anyway I need some rest, all this text and cries, now I have tight hands,
Hope you reply me by post as soon as possible,
Right now there’s a lamb roast on which I must nibble.

                                                                Bucket of Lard, Ohio

Dr. 50 paise replies:

At first I was a bit confused what you wanted my help for,
What your bemused friends taunted you to hell for?
Then I saw your concern for your obesity,
Do you take long walks or is it only sitting?
I can understand why you act like a mad-eater,
All the pressure circles you in a yard with no diameter,
Soon I got to know that the matter was a tad serious,
Eating plastic is no better than drinking things bad and spurious,
The solution is not reading books or watching diet programs,
Take a resolution to cut down on your batch of nighttime hams,
Walk everyday for an hour or so, it helps you from head to toe,
You can do it fast or slow, be dedicated and you need to do no more,
Do it now, for long you’ve already waited, no more of woes,
You say you’ll die for a Mac n Cheese, good to see some passion,
Seems to me like you’ll die of a Mac n Cheese, sorry for that slashing,
Losing weight is no magic trick; the excess weight will end you up aging sick,
You’ll always be paging shrinks, paying bills, envisaging greener hills,
And it’ll be harder to stop your friends repeating all the meaner things,
So get it clear that it doesn’t help to eat relentlessly,
You need to sweat it here; you mustn’t accept defeat endlessly,
Keep your mind on it, reduce your grub and stop being a lazy bum,
Don’t just smile this off, Go use a health club or join a gymnasium,
Give it some time, don’t agonize or you’ll be in some coma,
Don’t lose sleep and get bags under eyes like the Simpsons’ Homer,
Remember that the people who hurt are not your friends,
They’re just a worthless bunch who blots your sense,
A friend is one who sees in you the sage and dunce,
A friend is one who stays and not one who runs,
I think you’ll be fine and that’s not a mere hunch,
If all this doesn’t work then I’ll buy you a year’s lunch

ASK DR. 50 PAISE # 2 Friday, Jun 22 2007 

People despise me saying I got a perverted filthy mind
Believe you me this verse is gonna be an unhealthy find
I spend my time snapping pictures of women with healthy behinds
I was fourteen when I started exhibiting these signs
I promise there’s no exaggeration in these lines
Used to carry my camera to my auntie’s gym
And click every time I saw this one blondie’s bum
But butts were plenty in that gym it seemed like a bum symposium
To me it felt like those women were actually posing them
So my trusted camera could capture those round cushions
To me this is an art, one that provides me sound visions
And it ain’t like I expose these ladies’ faces
All I do is take photos of their amazing bases
I knew I was made for this and I started branching out
I stared making money using this enchanting route
People really loved the photos I was handing out
Haunted coffee shops for girls sitting in or standing out
Sneaked into fashion shows to click the cheeky models
Doors or security couldn’t stop me from seeking more belles
I have even snapped a few secret celebrity pictures
When it comes to my work I lay down no strictures
The only golden rule I care is customer satisfaction
But that doesn’t mean I take clients like Michael Jackson
My camera doesn’t capture children or even the male race
I won’t compromise on that even if it means I won’t be able to save face
Amongst my best sales are the butts of JLO and Britney Spears
I don’t have to mention those aren’t a pair of itsy bitsy rears
I caught them both at a bar trying to drink free beers
They were both dressed in dresses whiter than the head of Richard Gere
Nothing’s more ironic than Britney Spears in white
And ain’t nothing more erotic than Jen Lopez in tights
Then there’s Anna who’s hot as long as it’s no tennis fight
Her pictures sell great even on her most heinous night
Her butt’s clearer in my pix than the ones on any website
You must be thinking I wrote just to advertise my collection
That’s not true; I have another reason for this method selection
Let me fast forward to my worry; let me tell you all about it
I hope you’re in no hurry; you’re a writer so I doubt it
The problem has everything to do with my latest client
He’s a good customer and I’ve always been reliant
But his latest need has totally wrecked my peace
He wants a photo of the butt of my girlfriend, Denise,
I’m left stumped, can’t figure out how I’m to act
Never say no to my clients is my primal business pact
This situation has landed me in a very tough spot
Even a word against my girl is a bad enough thought
But backing out of my job isn’t one of my functions,
At the same time I’m being overwhelmed with compunction
To do or not to do that is the question
I want you to answer that with a good suggestion
And don’t think me stupid I do know the obvious answer
Forget about asking me to hire some helping hands, sir,
I know I could just employ someone and give him the task
But I work alone and don’t take help from any wimpy ass
If anybody’s snapping my girl then I’m the one to do it
The issue is whether or not I will afterwards rue it
Also there’s a chance that Denise will finally find out
Don’t want things to change, they’re perfectly fine now
All I’ve told her is that I work as a photographer
She is unaware that I’m really a buttock sniffer
I so damn wish this client would get off of her
This guy is more obstinate than Adolph Hitler
I could turn him down, say no to the horny chump
But he’s loaded almost as much as Donald Trump
Nobody knows about this world in which I exist
Mother nor sister know this is how I bought our Lexus
So reply fast I need a way out this mess
Make sure it’s one where I suffer least distress
Some plan where I’ll end up with the girl and cash
Not some stupid one which will make me whirl and crash
Help me out I’ll definitely make it your time’s worth
I’ll send you photos of any bum you want on this earth.

                                                                                     Huge Pervert, Los Angeles

Dr. 50 paise replies:

I’m not suited to judge your mind’s condition
Although I think your brain’s out of commission
Your job definitely isn’t for the weak-hearted
It stinks like the air when a dead sheep farted
At first I imagined someone was pulling a prank
The more I read the more it stank
You’re nothing but the lowest form of paparazzi
You wanna be a hero, go slap a Nazi
You’re only fooling yourself sounding artsy-fartsy
Taking pictures of women with their asses half seen
You’re the biggest Jack of all the asses I’ve seen
I’m very much shocked that you’re still alive and clicking
But listen real close your clock is ticking
Now or later you’re going to end up hurt
Sorry for the tone generally I’m not this curt
But I’m telling you man you’ve almost reached the brink
You better call it quits and bleach your kink
Best thing would be for you go see a shrink
The storm will hit you and your ship will sink
And stop calling what you do as work
It just proves you’re a humongous jerk
What you’re doing is a punishable offence
The price you might pay could be very immense
You’re hurting people’s families in a sense
You’re preying on unsuspecting women having innocence
Your habits seem to have eroded that aspect of inner sense
Now when your girl could be the victim you feel the sting
For the women whom you victimize it’s pain you bring
But I see the issue for you is an entirely different thing
I first got the wrong idea from your marks of ink
I pictured you had finally learned your lesson
Figured your perverseness would finally lessen
It isn’t love or anything close that leaves you distraught
Your heart holds nothing but various sleazy thoughts
Concern for your girl isn’t what is upsetting you
You just don’t want her to be suspecting you
You don’t care if someone treats her badly
You’re willing to make money off her gladly
As long as you’re in the clear and not involved directly
You’re playing up to a false image you’ve erected
Just by delegating the task you think you’re free from blame
You’ve pawned your morals for attaining money and fame
The matter at hand is not about being true to your clients
What you’re doing is against God and an act of defiance
You belong with rats though you might dream of lions
Exploiting innocents is what you judge as triumph
You cannot cross bridges until and unless you try ‘em
If you loved your girl you wouldn’t have needed my help
You would have told your client to go straight to red hell
And you wouldn’t have lied and side-lived a secret life
Your personality sucks, it’s worse than being a stereotype
You have wasted your life lusting after fame and money
You adopted vulgar means and that’s the same as demonic
However God is one who forgives even the worst
Don’t you want a clear mind before you’re in your hearse?
Death can capture everything but it can’t capture hope
God can save your neck even if the devil latches on it with rope
All that advice is under assumption you have plans to become changed
Although from your letter you sounded more than deranged
So if you’re planning to stick to your lifestyle then I have a request
I know you find it proper in you what others find grotesque
So be the proper professional and make good your promise
You promised that my time will bring me photographic profits
I think I know just what would please my most common sense
Naked pictures of buttocks that belong to your mom and sis.

THE PRESTIGIOUS SILVER DILDO Thursday, Jun 21 2007 

                The sun rose yet again to the familiar sight of a large chunk of the Islamic community super pissed at the blatant blasphemies perpetrated by the entire non-Islamic universe against their religion and their Prophet. It seemed as if the rest of the world just refused to show Islam the proper respect and fear that it deserved. One of the greatest enemies of the religion of Islam, apparently, had regained strength. The formidable figure of Salman Rushdie was back and he was sending waves of anger and concern through the Islamic world. And for good reason too; he was balder, he was fatter, he had more of a party mouth than ever, and he still wrote books that people loved to say they enjoyed repeatedly but actually just used to store falling pubic hairs.

                 However, the latest move that the Muhammad-hating rest of the world made against Islam was the bestowal of the prestigious British honor of dildohood upon Salman Rushdie, despite all the sacrilege that he had committed against Islam. By dildoing Rushdie the British Government officially recognized him as one of their most celebrated transvestites. The Queen, on her one hundred and thirtieth birthday, acknowledged Rushdie for successfully being both a dick and a pussy. The dildoing ceremony saw her strap the prestigious silver dildo around the renowned writer’s waist. The four or five self-proclaimed Muslim leaders, spoke, as always, for all the Muslims in the entire world and expressed the deep sense of hurt and disgust that the Islamic sphere was feeling over this calculated move by the British- and the rest of the world- against Islam. After quoting from the Koran they agreed the only noble way to salvage the Prophet’s honor from the fat Rushdie’s clutches was to sever his head and suck the blood out of it. The top Muslim leaders once again delegated the heaven/prison worthy task of beheading Salman Rushdie to their fellow Muslims for whom even reading Tintin took three years.

                Predominantly Muslim countries like Pakistan, Iran, and Bollywood staged elaborately civil protests- burning stuff and screaming obscenities- condemning the strapping of the prestigious silver dildo around Rushdie’s waist. Apparently, they weren’t having enough problems already. Pakistan demanded that that the dildo be withdrawn immediately and warned that if not withdrawn all pretences of cordial relations with Britain would be dropped. They also mentioned that they thought the Queen was just a no good useless old wrinkly slut. After a couple of days of silence the British Government released a statement where they mentioned that while they completely agreed with the Muslims on the queen being a wrinkly slut, they wouldn’t de-dildo Salman Rushdie as that would be taking a step back in the progress of the transvestite rights. The Muslim community was enraged by the audacity of the British Government in directly dishonoring their beloved Prophet. They analyzed that since Prophet Muhammad had been a straight man, this move by the British Government of endorsing transvestites was a direct insult to their religion and tradition. There was only one logical mode of resistance left in their disposal- suicide bombing.

               Support, however, grew incrementally for Rushdie as each hour passed. Asian writers, not living in Asia, voiced their strong support for Salman who taught them that all they had to do to make a lot of money was write a pussy-ass novel on dislocation and other immigrant woes. The Asian Diaspora community then proceeded to crawl up Salman Rushdie’s pale ass and hibernate there until they all received forewords from him for their latest books. The Vatican, too, lent its strong support to Salman Rushdie urging him to keep writing about Islamic orthodoxies. The Vatican, also, lent its support to the Muslim community applauding their passion to give up their own lives to uphold their honor and tradition. They said that most Christians were stupid to continue living happy, satisfied lives without paying much attention to Christ-bashers. The Vatican also extended an offer to protect all young Muslim boys if such a need arose. The Hindu community refused to make any comments on the issue; they were still occupied with hunting down M.F (-ing) Hussain.

                 Inevitably, the situation escalated and the British Government went on an all out war with the entire Muslim population of the world. Thousands of Islamic supporters blew themselves up killing almost thirty-five English men and a chipmunk. The British retaliated by releasing more Hugh Grant-starring romantic comedies into the Islamic world. The second week of the British-Islam war saw the body count rise meteorically. And by the third week both parties were wiped off completely from the phase of the earth. Probably this was what happened to the dinosaurs too. The carnage was catastrophic, the sight horrific. Nothing moved except a few roaches…and a ghostly rotund mass of blubber. It was Salman Rushdie. He had survived the war. He stood in the middle of the ruins, looked around regretfully at what was around him, what was done in his name, and screamed out loud in perfect English, “I wants me some pussy.” As if in response to his cry a figure crawled out from underneath the ruins. It was the Queen. Both Salman and the Queen stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity before Rushdie proceeded to mount the queen and repeatedly stuff her one hundred and thirty year old vagina with his silver dildo. As the two love pigs lay there humping on the rubble, amidst thousands of corpses, their passionate cries echoed through the rest of the free world, “Oh! Your majesty! Oh your majesty!”, “Oh! Sir Salman! Oh! Sir Salman”.

               

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