One of the least understood concepts in our world is the concept of cults. When we usually talk about cults we refer to the more popular, more routine groups where likeminded people gather and share their various interests. Some of the common cults are the Goat Cult¾where the members make use of goat testicles to adorn their faces, the Thursday Cult¾where the cult members gather every Thursday to drink the heated urine of komodo dragons, and the Engineer Cult¾where people who like having sex with automatic paper shredders meet up. However, all cults do not have their fundamentals rooted in normalcy like the aforementioned ones.             

                 A shocking discovery that I made as part of an investigation exposed me to a cult that is more dangerous, more damaging, and more bizarre than anything I have ever seen in my life; a cult which is centuries old and has successfully managed to shield the knowledge of its existence from the outside world; a cult which mercilessly recruits young children to strengthen their foundation; a cult where the nature of the activities that take place is nothing short of excruciating; a set of people who call themselves the members of the COSB¾or the Cult of the Spelling Bee.           

                 My first knowledge of the COSB’s existence came via an ancient scroll that was slid neatly into the deepest recesses of the anal cavity of a librarian who recently passed away. (One of my uncles is a mortician so he keeps giving his relatives stuff he finds in defunct rectums). Anyway, the scroll was the official three-rule constitution of the Cult of the Spelling Bee. This is how it looked: 

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE CULT OF THE SPELLING BEE  

a)      All members should strictly have zero athletic abilities

b)      New members can only be the children of existing cult members¾it does not matter if the children are legitimate or bastards

c)      All members should have shitty hairstyles              

                 Intrigued by this finding, I conducted further investigation that shed light on the internal mechanism of the COSB. The cult members gather every year and try to spell out words that no human being would ever use in his life¾never…ever…I mean it…not even once. They recruit young children¾mostly their own like the scroll read¾and brainwash their minds to get them to inject their brains with the spelling of painfully useless words. The cult members aren’t concerned with what the words signify which is why the participants are allowed to ask, during the spelling ritual, to the Elders, what the word means and how it is used in a sentence.            

                 The members of the Cult of the Spelling Bee seems to enjoy some kind of perverse pleasure in voicing and taking apart words like ‘absquatulate’, ‘houghmagandy’, ‘mallemaroking’, and ‘syzygy’. After I typed in these words for this exposé, I tried to use the dictionary in my computer to find out their meanings. I punched the words in and waited for their meanings to appear. After a while, a message popped up on screen, “Are ye kidding me? Sod off, ya bugger”. I learned that there was only so much a computer could do; and, also, that my computer was, apparently, Scottish.            

                 The frightening aspect of all this is that the Cult is growing at an alarming rate with sister cults all across the world. It is only a matter of time before these ruthless maniacs let loose pure terror upon the unsuspecting humanity. But if we, the others, can stick together there might be a way for us to stop them. We have to gather our friends and family, educate them about the dangers of the COSB and urge them to do the only thing that can possibly save us¾make more speling mistaikes.                 

              

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