The anticipation was so intense that the Palestinians and Israelis refrained from killing each other for one night; Iraqis rested their debate on whether or not Saddam Hussein was gay; Bill Clinton once again put off having sex with Hillary; Osama Bin Laden was finally watching something other than his own videos; George Bush, at last, stopped doing the African boogie. It was a night when they all chimed in one singular voice, “This is it; this is the moment; this…is American Idol.”                 

                 Of course, the Palestinians, Israelis, and Iraqis were hugely disappointed with the result. They were all rooting for Blake Lewis since the sounds he produced were very similar to what they heard around them most of the time. Crestfallen at the outcome, they went back to killing each other. The rest of the world swallowed their personal prejudices and joined the 17 year-old buxom, Jordin Sparks, in the moment of her crowning glory. In fact, Ryan Seacrest was so excited that he pulled down his pants and mooned the judges. They responded like this: 

Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg, this is what we liked about you when we first saw you. You seemed a bit itchy in middle but you scratched it out man. That was hot baby!

Paula Abdul: Ryan…you’re just…you know…you come out here…you… you…you do your thing…you make me…ohhh…I’m just so freakin’ proud of you!  

Simon Cowell: Pale, saggy, forgettable.                                           

                  The pleasantly plump Jordin declared her undying gratitude towards the American public and promised them that she would remain loyal to her integrity and virginal image until she turned nineteen, when, of course, she would transform herself into a total whore like the pop music tradition goes. She then proceeded to thank the three judges after which she knelt down, looked Ryan Seacrest in his face, and told him that he was a very special gay guy.                   

                The runner up, or the loser, Blake Lewis, when asked about his reaction regarding the voters’ choice very eloquently replied, “Boom-chik-chik-boom bam bam-chik-chik-bam”. His father was seen crying yet again but this time it was because the little girl in the seat next to him teased him about his loser son. A touching scene arose when Ryan Seacrest tried to comfort the heartbroken Blake. But the touching stopped when Blake threatened to call the security on Ryan.                  

                 Despite earning an immense viewership for this year’s final episode, some were of the opinion that last year’s Idol finale, which showcased the amazing ass voice of Katherine Mcphee going up against the spastic antics of some vanilla head Taylor Hicks was the best ever in the history of the show. However, no one could predict the manner in which 2007’s finale came to an end.                  

                  As Jordin Sparks filled the stage, taking in the sweet scent of success, she was suddenly jolted out of her magical reality by a loud shriek. As the millions of eyes searched around for the origin of the cacophonic shriek, the source made itself appear. In an almost gay army SWAT like entrance, from the roof, dropped Sanjaya who was suspended from the ceiling with the help of nothing but his silky locks. Right by his side was his sister who was known to the world only as “cleavage girl”.

                 Sanjaya slid across the stage over to Jordin, grabbed the microphone from her hand, and issued a threat. If the title was not forfeited by Jordin and consequently conferred upon him he would unleash a three-hour performance on stage with tracks by Stevie Wonder, Maxi Priest, and Slipknot. The entire audience shuddered in fear knowing very well the unfathomable intensity of havoc Sanjaya could wreak.                  

                 No one knew what to do¾except one fairy man, Ryan Seacrest. All of a sudden he spoke into his collar microphone, “Angels, are you ready?” He was met with knowing nods from the three judges seated in front of the stage. Suddenly, all three jumped from behind their desk and landed on the stage taking up a very, very gay pose¾legs astride, hands in the air, and crotches strained. Simon landed a flying breast slam on Sanjaya knocking the microphone right out of his hand as Paula and Randy started making out on stage. Grossed out by this sight, Sanjaya retreated with his sister, screaming, “You haven’t seen the last of me, Simon.” Then, suddenly, as the world watched Sanjaya jumped into his sister’s cleavage and disappeared out of everyone’s sight. 

                 Seacrest maintained his composure, looked right into the audience’s eyes and said, “This is messed up. This is bizarre. This…is American Idol.”

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